thinking

hte past couple days i was feeling really okay..not really incredibly happy but ok with the way things were going..i didnt b/p at all on my birthday..ate a bunch of junk but i didnt purge any of it..ok so ive made up for not doing it but sitll i was feeling ok..things are going fine at the hospital, janet told me i was doing a good job and that i was holding my own with what i was doing..it didnt bother me when she told me..i liked being told and i was proud of myself for sticking with all the sucky reasearch i got stuckk with doing and feeling so dejected when i couldnt find the info i wanted..but still i found more than the parents already had and when i had to talk to them about it they where very grateful for what i had found. im the oen with the time to go and really research things because there are limits to waht i have to do..the expectations are different for me..but they thanked me and i didnt think to question if they meant it or not because i know they did. i know janet meant it when she told me i was doing a good job..i know she didnt make up stuff when she fillled out the checklist that i have to turn in on monday to dr bunch..im doing better than i thought i would working there..i like being the hosppital and i like feeling included in everything even if i dont always know whats being talked about..im not feeling like such an outsider at the meetings and im trying hard to get over my weird phone phobia..im starting to feel like i belong there and i dont stand out much anymore being new..the badge thing still hasnt gotten old and i really like getting the doors to open. i didnt mind when dorthy told me i was special after i was started talking about why badging in and opening the doors was a lot of fun and made me feel important..because i could just walk around and use the reg door but i dont want to..janet lets me use my badge when we get back from clinic because i still find it a lot of fun and she doesnt really notice it anymore..its a bummer that i have to give my badge back when my internship is over. i like hearing that im not a completely sucky person..i like finding out that i can do more than i thought i could even if im not the most talkative. i love hanging out with the nurses and being able to just walk around and say hi to the parents on the peds floor. it is different than anything ive ever done. oh weird is it for me to just all of sudden think im okay sometimes...i still wish i would die but i dont know..maybe i ujst know i wont try now..things are just things and i dont have to be on edge all the time if i dont want to..i dont know how to keep the quietness in my head and i really really want to..im sick of forever wishing i would go away when i know i cant go anywhere..i dont know where i keep wanting to go but i havent found it yet so maybe it doesnt exist? i cant get to some place that doesnt exist so if i stopped trying what would happen? what would my actual purpose be if im not looking for some way to die or some where to go where things are creepily normal and perfect..really is it so much to ask to be perfect? but when i think about what it takes to be perfect im not sure i want it anymore..i could say i juts wnat ot be me but i have no idea what that means..i spend to much time trying to be the oerson everyone wants me to be and it takes a lot of energy..i dont have time to go back and try to figure out what it was that i wanted in the first place..all i know is a million ways to hurt but not really any set ways to not hurt..i make things worse for me than they have to be and i dont know where that drive comes from..if i could make a business out of being mean to myself id be rich and dead..and even in this lull of sadness im still afraid that i will manage to kill myself when i dont really want to die..not that life is looking incredibly great or anything right now but i dont really want to go anywhere..i think..but im still afraid i will kill myself and not like cutting my wrists death either..ive been purging a decent amount lately..moreso when im home by myself on the weekends but i cant help but think of when i purged so much it hurt to breathe, i dont know what or how i managed to make it hurt so much and im guessing i just bruised or pulled something that wasnt meant to be pulled but it hurt like heck for a few days..yet i still do it..when that happened i did stopped for a good while but now im back to doing it again and maybe its juts because im trying hard not to cut or maybe i just want to do something that i think i can hide forever..but what happens if i keep doing it without my usual breaks..does that count as making it worse? and if i just somehow stopped cutting completely does that count as being cured and does it mean that i dont have to talk about what made me do it in the first place? for some reason i dont think arran would let me off that easy and i dont think ill stop just like that either..no matter what i try to make myself believe its not that easy. its hard understanding that i am killing myself at an incredibly slow pace..i dont want to think i have an ed i just have problems with food..yea and the sky could be purple tomorrow..i dont want to admit to having an ed because that feels incredibly wrong and bad..so does admitting to cutting..its like im flawed in some huge way that cant be fixed at all once i admit to any of it..ill forever be looked at as being the weird one..yet im so sick of all it i just dont really know how to stop..i think id die if i just stopped doing the things that got my mind off of life in general..even though sitting here with a huge headache from purging im still half planning to purge again later if i eat again..im planning on purging for an indefinite amoumt of time..cutting wont kill me because i can control that..purging though..purging could very easily kill me without me realizing it in time...and as much as i dont want to care i do..if i somehow make it into my 30s what will have happened to my body by then..i hate not being able to wear what i want to..i hate having to forever pull at my shirts that i wear to work to make sure they are falling down and showing the scars on my chest..i should just slap myself for cutting there in the first place..i dont know what iwas thinking when i did it but now it gets in the way...it was never a problem until i started getting shirts that were cut funny and i realized that the scars on my chest were more noticable than i thought they were..now i dont like them..the same way i dont like the scars on my arms because i cant wear the dress i really want to wear..i want to i dont know..if i could start over i dont know if i would stop any of it..id just be more careful with it..and that doesnt make sense ..if i dont like them so much why wouldnt my first thought be to go back and never start? but i dont think i would be the same person if i had never started..i wouldnt have had a middle ground between life and death and then i would have been dead before i graduated high school..and then i would have never met any of the people i know now..things would have been a lot different i guess..i want to make an appt to see valerie again before i graduate...i feel like i just need to let her know that im actually graduating..i want her to know that i managed from when she first saw me as a freshmen..maybbe its a closure thing but i still want to do it. and so i will eventually..i dont know how ill say goodbye to prof dunn and dr bass when i graduate...i hate having to say goodbye to them..i think i almost stopped breathing when arran brought up seeing me every week...i can laugh at it now because its not the first time ive heard it and i did art therapy weekly but that was different..i liked art therapy a lot more than reg therapy..i didnt have a problem with the weekly thing with that..besides it was really cool going at the same time every week and that helped some too..but reg therapy was on a random every two week basis and still is..kinda but i liked it because it gave me enough time to get out of talking about a lot of stuff..ohw different am i now compared to when i first started out like forever ago? but now that ive thought about it alot and got annoyed at myself for getting so sca red when i didnt have to agree to anything i guess ill just have to see how it goes..its not comforting at all to know that i have no clear idea when ill be able to get out of therapy completely..i know that i can stop when ever i want to since i would juts have t ostop going but for some reason not going isnt an option..for as much as i dont talk i have a lot to say i just dont know how to say it..i always go with something to say but never get around to saying it..i cant get pass the easy obvious stuff and im to scared to even get into anything else..but im really afraid that if i did talk myself out of therapy completely then i would end up killing myself because it would be different knowing im alone..once i graduate the little contract i have with the school wont matter any more..but even with that contract it wasnt a huge issue..i could have lied about all of it and not been going to therapy and i didnt..i consider what they think of me very important..and even when i wanted to lie and had the whole speech planned out i didnt do it..maybe i am horrible at lying about somethings..somethings i lie about without really thinking about it..like where the scars on my arm came from comes to mind..and my wonderful fake car accident works really well but its still a lie...but all the times ive hated someone else getting me to go to therapy the choice has always been mine with whether i want to keep going..and i keep going because it gives me something new to think about during the week..i remember more than i give myself credit for yet again..some of it helps other people..some of it i juts analyze over and over until im lost and cant figure out what im thinking about...i saw on a tv show how a girl had to go to therapy but she refused to face the doc..they both looked at oppisite walls and since technically speaking the sessions are mine and i spend a lot of time looking at everything but arran i dont see how just flat out facing the wall would make much difference..but then i guess she cant gauge some of my reactions either..funny i actually look at her when she asks me to most of the time but not for long..i just get nervous really easily and i dont like being watched at all..it always feels like someone is watching me..and i wonder why i dont like eating in front of ppl..ok i guess ive rambled on about everything and nothing for long enough...