i think i write to much...im a horrible roommate..i try to be happy and talk to yvonne because i feel like i should but i can never think of anything t oasay anymore..i dont know what to say and i dont know how to step into her life and see whats going on..i forget to ask what things have been like for her when i ignore really answering when she asks how my day is..its not fair for me to be so rude to her when shes just being nice and driving me all over the place..but im just not in the mood for small talk..there is always something on my mind that i just have to think about or worry about or figure out..i have to find the answers to everything and i dont seem to be able to find the answers to any of it..instead i just keep making myself feel so lost and alone that its depressing...i almost wish i wasnt constantly pushing away help.i dont know how to accept it for what it is..to much guilt to do that in an ok way..instead ill just keep pretending..i just keep watching myself fall apart without anyone seeing it..im guessing the only reason i know is because im constantly writing and analyzing and everything..i wish i could ignore all of it and just pretend its not there but i cant..it drives me drazy eitiher way so i dont see how it makes for an easier thing to deal with..im not happy with myself right now...i wasnt able to purge what i had for dinner...we went out to eat and purging just wasnt working at all there..and i could try now but it would be a waste of time..i was so disappointed in myself for not doing it when i really wanted to..but im afraid of really purging in a place that public..it could be done but not tonight...i guess overall i could have done worse today..and i shouldnt be so mean to myself but i dont care..all weekend all i thought of was purging and for now purging gets my head off of cutting..but i dont know how long that will last at all..so i dont know..yvonne hasnt forgotten my birthday..i dont know what shes planning and that does make me nervous..and like jenny said no matter how much i pretend i dont have a birthday..i do want it to be a good one..i just want to be noticed for one day..i dont want to worry about anything for a day..im not expecting huge gifts or anything minus what ive ordered for myself but still..i dont want a lot but i dont want to feel forgotten either..just one day of being noticed and not having to get hurt in the process isnt that much to ask for i dont think..i dont expect anything of my birthday because then it lessens the chances i will be disappointed if i dont get anything..i can make myself a cake if thats what it comes down to..i dont care ..i know that im not incredibly important or anything but still a good day after all of this wouldnt be to omuch to ask for ..