influences

just how much do i influnce people? i never would have even thought it was possible..but of course i was hanging around dr bass today and we were ttalking about something and she got onto how much of a good influence i am..and when i tried to deny it she asked me about harris and how much he likes/talks to me..she asked me about tyler and the fact that i would have kept him if it had been possible..she said that i was an influence on her but i dont understand how thats possible when i havent done anything..she said that it wasnt a matter of what i did as long as i was myself..but thats kinda hard if i dont know who i am..what does it take to be an influence on someone? i wouldnt consider it possbile for me just because of how i view myself and what i think about myself and having someone else say im an influence just completely goes over my head..i always think that i have to do something to be noticed and sometimes that doesnt seem to be the case..im not a teacher or anyone special and so i just dont get how it is someone else can see me as an influence when i cant see myself as one..i do everything possible to not be noticed and dr bass makes a point to notice me and praise me for something every time she sees me..i went to her class today because i was afraid to go home..i didnt know what i would want to do and the desire to cut just hasnt died yet..so i didnt want to go home and instead i went to her office and just hung out like i do every monday until she had to go to class..and then i decided i would go to her class with her and actually stay today..since it was human behavior i didnt mind sitting through it since i like the topic anyway..but its a grad level class and i was just planning on sitting in the back and minding my own business and being quiet..but that didnt happen..dr bass made it a point to let everyone know i was there and to talk about me and what ive done..im not a fan of listening to someone talk about me even if it is all good stuff..its embarrassing because then i am the focus of everyone for a little while and i didnt want to be noticed to begin with..but i did the group exercise anyway because i wanted to know what it would be like and what they would say about things that make them uncomfortable and what ways could they come up with to talk about subjects with clients that tehy didnt really understand..and given before class dr bass did tell me these werent all social work students but i swear they should have known a bit more than they did..i was in calss for about an hour an da half before she let them go and i just didnt get a good feel for what they were about..i dont have a great picture of what im uncomfortable with talking about but i have some ideas ..and these ppl in class just didnt know what to do with themselves..some of them yea but the majority just didnt know and i tried to offer my opionions when i could not that they mattered much but i did try..and its werid being in a class of grad students and wanting to tell them to open there eyes and look around..being afraid of something just doesnt make it go away..it was hard sitting in that class and listening to them discuss abuse but not really saying anything about it...more than once someone asked about if there were degrees to the severity of abuse and i wanted to yell at her...im sorry but i dont consider getting hit once any worse than getting hit every day for a year..it doesnt matter how often it happens..once can be enough to destroy anyone..and i dont see how you can give an abuser the benefit of doubt and say that you are sure it will only happen once..no if it happens once it will happen again and it doesnt matter how many apoligizes you get inbetween..at least as an adult and in a relationship you do get apoligies..you arent that lucky as a kid..you take what you get and most of the time its not a sorry..but as an adult you have the abilty to understand more i guess..you can believe what your told or not its your choice..as a kids you just get all this stuff thrown at you without any explaniations and you just come to teh conclusion that its your fault because you dont have the option of hearing otherwise..what are you supposed to think? why in the world would you blame your parents for something that you are getting in trouble for if it makes sense or not? and who would listen to you anyway? today more than any other time i was very glad i didnt get placed in dss..it would have killed me..and maybe its a good thing i do know that ..because if i know what i cant handle then i have a better chance of staying away from it..and maybe in the future that will change but for now i know i wouldnt have done well being placed there..it wouldnt have worked and i would have a lot of trouble keeping past and present seperatedlli have enough trouble with that now and i dont need anything to make it worse..im barely keeping myself in a neutral zone and im doing ok i guess..not incredibly suicidal or anything but it wont take much to change that and i know that already..i know when not to stay alone and i didnt..besides yvonne was home today when i got home and now im on campus in the lab..so im not going to be alone anymore than that..good for i guess..less of a chance ill do something stupid..but i thoguht it was interesting that dr bass has more hope for child abusers to get help and change than dv abusers to get help and change..maybe its easier and maybe its not ..parents can be taught to be better parents but adults cant be taught to be better husbands and wives..so i guess it makes sense..is it really true that people who swear to never hit there kids because they were hit as a kid dont stick to it? i say i dont want to have kids but i never really say why..im afraid that if i do have kids ill just be horrible to them and make them hate me..it doesnt seem fair and if i can stop it i will..i dont want to be responsible for ruining some kids live just because i cant figure out how to control myself..and if you grow up to be like your mom then i might as well go ahead and kill myself so i know it wouldnt happen..i would rather be dead than to know ill be like mommy..i want to go to this conference in oct..its about kids and when i first saw the brochure thing it got my attention and i looked at the brochure like 10 times before i even noticed that there would be a talk on self injury..and that really made me want to go..ive never heard anyone else talk about it and i want to hear it..i want to see the reactions to it..i want to go ..and i was fine with it until last week when suddenly going and knowing i would be by myself just didnt seem so good..knowing that i will be sitting through or trying to sit through a talk on s/i without making any outward reactions to what was going on around me..it makes me nervous now..because i dont know what will be said and i dont know how i will react..i was sitting in dr bass's class today and i just felt so sick of hiding and i really wanted them to talk about mental illness..i brought it up in the group i was in and they didnt pick it..im sick of no one really understanding what its aabout..and i know things wont change until ppl start talking about it..until i start talking about it..but how do you even begin to bring up a convo like that? how can you trust that people wont react in a bad way and that ill still be treated the same? it doesnt seem fair that to make things known you have to understand the risk of having things change completely for you..and i dont like that..i dont like it at all and that makes me afraid to bring it up when i really want too..i want to hear it talked about and i dont know how or even how much i can handle listening to..but ive never had the oppurtunity to hear anything either..not that im going to volunteer information but maybe i could just make things a little clearer or something without giving anything away..it is hard doing something that really isnt understood at all..because it is hard feeling so lonely about something that everyone says you dont need to be ashamed of..hmm does anyone really say that? i know some people do accept what they do and arent ashamed of the scars but because i am still incredibly ashamed of them and why i have them im not sure ill be much help to anyone...maybe ill get there one day and make some huge difference but for now id prefer to just stay invisible and pretend i have no idea what happened to me or why im such a screw up..but pretending doesnt make it go away either...pretending only gets me to the point of being afraid to go to sleep at night because i dont know what triggers dreams i would rather not have..i keep thinking about going back to camp and what was so different there? why did i feel so safe and accepted there? and why cant i get that here?