nothing thrilling

already im sick of the weekend, im not doing anything...i started reading the bell jar because i havent read it yet and i was looking for something new to read from yvonnes shelf..so that one got my attention and ive half seen the movie so i might as well read the book...ive been watching a bunch of movies today..all kinda sad but there good..right now i have one of the dance dvds playing on repeat so i can hear one of the songs..i keep looking around at all the other stuff i could be doing and yet im still here writing...ive written so much lately i would think i dont have anything left to say..but instead i have a million things to say and putting them here is the only way that gets things out of my head..i wonder if i keep writing about the same stuff..i guess i kinda am but i dont go back and read any of it to much unless im looking for something..its kinda depressing what i write sometimes and i write it so i can forget it...but if its all being saved i guess i wont be forgettting either...talked to mommy this morning and im getting clothes for my birthday..i get to go shopping and pick them out and ill prolly go on wed just to have something nice to wear on my birthday since all of my clothes are starting to annoy me anyway..i dont know why considering i have a million things in my closet and dont even wear half of them..im forever getting new clothes and never wearing them..because after i get them i dont really like them anymore..a person could shop in my closets and i wouldnt miss anything..yvonne did shop in them for a while and she didnt understand why i dont wear most of my clothes..i dont even know why i dont..i dont know why im obssessed with the grocery store either..i want to blame it on my incredibily not good eating habits that come and go but im not sure..when i ask other people with an ed online they can understand it and i dont feel like such a weirdo..but most normal people dont really like the grocery store much..maybe im just weird and i should stop trying so hard to stop it...something about being different isnt such a bad thing comes to mind but really i dont want to be different..i want to be the same as everyone else..but thats stupid since everyone has there own problems and dont want to have to deal with anything more than i already am...i try hard not to deal with what i have so i wont start asking for more...but then i guess i do deal with other peoples problems a lot better than i deal with my own..its so much easier looking at whats going on with someone else instead of looking at what im dealing with..if i dont look at it then i dont have to dealwith it..if only it was that easy to escape things life wouldnt be so hard..i still have to deal with myself everyday and im not good at it a lot ofthe time..i dont know whats bothering so much lately and i dont know why it seems like there is a dark cloud just hanging over me all the time...im not at all excited about my birthday and even though im trying hard to be its just not working out...mommy is all busy planning grannys birthday party for next weekend and i was told last week that ill be expected to be home for it and so of course im going..today when i talk to mommy i find out exactly what ill have to wear and to invite yvonne to come along...and i did tell yvonne about it but im hoping she has plans ... yvonne doesnt do well with mommy and sometimes it is nice having someone stick up for me but even that is short lived because i know mommy and if she wants to get at you she will..company or not it doesnt matter..and if yvonne is around mommy for to long i think she might go crazy...so my saturday is kinda booked..not that i would ever let anyone throw me a party because there is no one to invite it would ahave been nice to be asked what i wanted..i dont really know what i wanted and im not expecting a lot because its just me and it is the waste of a full day to have every focused on me..so maybe it is good that no one will remember..minus yvonne and janet and cindy cas i see them almost ev eryday and i wrote it on janets calendar and everything..i asked cindy for a musical number since she will be out on my birthday and she said no of course but it was fun..i think not having her in the office for almost a week will be boring in a way..but janet keeps me laughing too so it will be fine...besides it will a busy week without cindy there and we will have her patients plus ours..but ill like the busy part..less time to think about me but now that im bored wtih writing ill move on to cleaning up some