lost

you cant change the past so im told..so that means i shouldnt be upset that i just gave myself a massive headache throwing up dinner..the bad part being i knew better and i just didnt care..i didnt really try hard to stop..and i feell very sick right this minute and to take my mind off of things i just started looking up things i want to buy..i want an ipod for my birthday..and so ill buy myself one when my birthday comes around..i might have to buy it before my birthday just because i dont know what i will be feeling like then..i was thinkingabout it before i started eating dinner and of course when i started it wasnt really about b/p at all..it just kinda happened..but anyway i was thinking about when dr bass asked if i was eating healthy and i said sure..knowing i had b/p recently..and i seriously think i would die before i let anyone willingly know i just happen to occansionally throw up my food..a small handfull of people know but more ppl know about the cutting..someone might think i actually have a problem with eating normally and i dont..i eat fine i just dont happen to like eating and that just doesnt make sense...yesterday i was just randomly thinking about how much eating was starting to annoy me..today i didnt want to eat but i did anyway..i know whats behind it too..but i wont blame it on my birthday because every so often i just end up b/p a lot for a little while and then it goes away again with nothing broken...i could just wait it out and see what happens..no im not going to start purging in the hospital that would be really stupid and i wouldnt be able to get away with it for long..but yes i do consider the whole possible ed as a lot worse than the cutting..but i would give the ed before i give up cutting..it doesnt make sense..they both do the same thing pretty much i guess..i dont want to do any of them but if i had to pick ill sick with the cutting..at least then i can see what im doing..i have a problem with not being able to see what im doing..i can ask or look up what all goes along with b/p but i wont see anything ever unless i did it for a really long time...and since i do it off and on and not more than a couple weeks it can be considered that im fine..i had blood work done a while ago and i was fine then..im fine now..but still that could change really fast and i wont know it...not until its to late probably..that would suck for me since im guessing i could just say stop and i would..but that wouldnt really work either i dont think..i dont know what i want..i talked about suicide today with someone..just the general questions of if i had ever tried or not..and what ive done doesnt even get close to dying..just getting really sick for a day or so and then i can forget all about it and go on with what ever life i happen to be living..not that im going to die tomorrow or anything but i should be concerned that i dont care..if i died tomorrow i might be happy i might not consdiering nothing makes me happy anymore..i thought about the benefits of anti depressants today and i really dont need to have meds like that just lying arond..not cool and when i cant trust myself to be sane for longer than five minute intervals whats left..i would be dumb enough to try and kill myself and then not get away with it...i keep forgetting what it is that actually keeps me here...last night yvonne started talking about mommy again when she asked me why we didnt go and get my car..she told me that its not right to be treated like your the gum on a persons shoe and it would be funny if it wasnt true..she said other stuff to and i told her that it wasnt a big deal and she said it was...my whole inabilty to get mad just gets on my nerves...i want to be mad and i cant..it just doesnt work..and when i am mad i make sure it doesnt last long at all..i dont like feeling out of control..i work to hard to make sure i kkeep things under control as much as i can..maybe thats why i dont like change at all..i think i will be alone for forever..i cant like myself, i barely put up with myself..its always the same back and forth kinda thing..just when i start to think im ok something happens to make me remember that im just not good enough..as much as i like yvonne and put up with her i let her get away with a lot of stuff and just because im used to it i dont say anything because i dont know but it was her last night who let me remember that im just expected to do certain things.. you dont just put a pot on the stove and walk out of the kitchen because im standing there..i could have just forgot about it and left it to burn but i didnt..considering that yvonne uses all the food i buy like its hers..most of the time i dont care because i wont eat it anyway but somethings i just want to be asked before its assumed that ill say yes..maybe this wouldnt happen if i wouldstand up for myself..standing up for myself would imply that i care and i dont..maybe im just feeling overly depressed again right now or maybe i just shouldnt have purged..but at least i stopped when it started to hurt..i keep thinking i want to cry and im trying hard to not let that happen..i dont want to cry because crying is for babies and im to old to cry over nothing..no reason to cry if you dont have a good reason and i dont have reason at all..im just making myself sad and i sould get my act together..i keep trying to come up wtih some picture of this person im supposed to be and i just dont think it will ever happen..i could almost swear i died like 20 years ago..how odd is it to even say that...i do enough to pass for being alive but sometimes it really does feel like im just not there and no one looked for me when it mattered..why should i care that anyone looks now..im not there to be found anymore