confused yet again

im having a bit of trouble fociusing on and remembering what i want to write..everytime i think of it all of it just leaves me head before i have the chance to write it down..i am still confused from this morning..i had my mid point evaluation and it went ok but i wasnt expecting to be asked what i thought my strengths and weaknesses were..i couldnt come up with more than 2 for either and that was after in depth thinking..i just didnt know what say.i didnt know what was ok to say and i didnt want to just start saying stuff they didnt need to hear..i tried to keep it as neutral as possiblew ithout giving anyway my dislike for myself to put it nicely..at the same i listened to them talk about me and how well im doing and it made me wonder what they are seeing that i cant see..how is it that people who just know me for what i show them see this completely controlled (in a good way), responsible and confideent person who is so sure of herself..and all i know is how screwed up i am..i just dont understand how the views can be so different when im just one person and not a good one at that..i do try sometimes to see what it is that makes me stand out for some people and not stand out for others and i dont know what the differences is..but as i wrote that i tried to think of who it is that saw me in a bad way..and if i dont count me that leaves only one..how is it that one person has so much of an affect over me in such a big way...i cant be sure of myself when i dont know what there is to be sure of..mommy let me know quite well this morning that she doesnt trust me..i cut this morning..not really bad but still i did ..i dont know how to get around to believeing what im being told when i know it will be taken away from me the second i really start to think im ok..i want to be ok because im getting tired of being so sad all the time..when im at work i try hard not to let what im thinking show..i pay attention and ask questions and work hard to hold eye contact..but when im out of that setting im back to normal.im back to doing the things i usualy do..i dont get why i cant just turn off my head and stopping yelling at myself when it hurts so much..besides im running out of ways to be mean..i liked cutting this morning and my only regret right now is that it doesnt hurt much anymore...the urge to fight is becoming one up hill battle i dont want to keep having to deal wtih..i was thinking today how disappointed ppl would be in me if anyone really knew just how suicidal i got at times...i dont know who i would tell if it became serious..i dont know what would be expected out of me if anyone knew..i dont like thinking im making someone mad at me for something im not great at controlling... i dont like not being able to trust myself..and i dont know when that started..i really want to say i juts dont care what happens and i know ill somehow make it graduation but im not sure..everyone keeps asking what im going to be with my life after i graduate and i dont know..i dont know what im suppsoed to be saying to make them think i have my life planned out from now until i die..i dont know what is expected of me or what im supposed to say to make things better for who ever is asking me..no one seems to understand that graduating and just graduating is a big enough deal and stressor without adding on anything extra..everyone thinks i have this great plan that im hiding and not talking about when i dont..i cant make a plan like that when sometimes it takes all of my energy to make myself get out of bed and do what im supposed to do without trying to walk into traffic for the heck of it..how many times will i have to say some stupid story of plans that im making up as i go along to make it seem like i know what im doing..what is it that gives people the idea that im so confident and put together when i dont know what it is exactly that keeps me alive..i dont know how the gap what whats true and whats not got to be so big..im surrounded by people who tell me more good things than i ever deserve to hear but i cant listen to any of them because im juts stuck in the middle with mommy completely surrounding me..refusing to let me go..i think ill die trapped..i dont see exactly how it is ill be getting out of this one in one piece..and i dont think i can break anymore