ok

went shopping today and got a new outfit and a half lol..well one full outfit and just another shirt..but fairly dressy so i can use them for work...im really missing wearing jeans though..jeans and tshirts will always be my favorite clothes i think...so went shopping and got clothes from mommy for my birthday...got a new pillow too..but i just got that because i saw it a while ago and couldnt get it until now...but its not like a pillow you sleep on or anything ..it says ..to thine own self be nice..it got my attention the first time i saw it and i figure it i look at it enough ill start to believe it...maybe...but anyway..i do like it and now i have it..hmm yvonne decided that we will go to raliegh for my bday present from her and go to build a bear and that had some imnput from me of course..but its cool since i really like build a bear and yvonne buying one for me works just as well... so i dont know but anyway this morning i told linda tomorrow was my birthday and she asked how old iwas going to be and of course i said 23 because age isnt that big of a deal ..but she told me that i acted a lot older than i was and that it wasnt a bad thing ..and it surprised me when she said it but it didnt upset me..it was the oppisite..maybe i was proud of myself for not seeming childish..but when im with janet and cindy im a dork and talk about cartoons all the time..but i dont think they see me as childish..they told me a few times that i am very mature...and i dont know..it makes me think of what doug told me while we were on the hike..out of no where he just turns around and tells me that he likes me because i act older than i am but my real age still comes out sometimes..shocked the heck out of me because this is from an 11 yr old that has just been horrible on the hike and he says that to me wwhen im feeling so crummy and everything and wondering why i was talked into going to camp..and when he told me i juts felt so good for a while..thinking about it still makes me smile and wonder what is it that people really do see in me..maybe im not as horrible as i like to think i am..quiet yes..screwed up sure..but not bad or evil or anything..maybe i need to rethink how i see myself in a serious way..i dont know..but all today i kept thinking about my birthday and being happy about it in small ways..i told a lot of people..i let yvonne know what i wanted to do..i picked where i want to go for lunch..which reminds me that the supervisor for the case managers told me that something i said was cute..and that didnt even bother me..but i had invited her to come and have ice cream with us and she said she didnt need ice cream and i told her where we were going and she said that she didnt know they served like lunch food..and of course i told her they didnt and i was like happy and completely not caring when i said it but maybe she saw that..but im starting to feel safe with all of them..they include me ..sure i dont understand a big part of what goes on with like medical talk and staff stuff from before i got there but they include me all the same..ask how im doing and what im doing..not that i really have much to say but they listen and pay attention to me..how weird the way things change without realizing it..im working hard at getting more comforatble tlaking on the phone..i dont know really why idont like it so much but i dont and its really hard knowing that i have to and that im expected to use the phone all the time when i dont like it..im trying hard to talk more and be myself and i dont think ill ever be the most talkative but at least im not nearly as quiet as i was in the beginning..it will be dec before im like completely comfy lol..go figure..so right now im focusing on not b/p tomorrow..i tried not to today but it was my choice and ill have to live with it ...but ill try harder tomorrow..hmm im feeling better today..enough for it to be noticable i think..yvonne doesnt like that i keep calling her soccer mom..and i will keep doing it if she keeps doing the arm save in the car on me whenever she makes sudden stops and things..kids or not the soccer mom names sticks..and if nothing else its completely funny for me and no matter what she says she cant explain herself out of it..this one is mine and ill keep it going for a little while..im trying not to be completely childish about tomorrow..and i told yvonne tongiht that i want peach vodka..and yes i will got to work completely sick if i do end up drinking tomorrow..no sense missing work cas i was a dork and didnt bother controlling myself..i told her cake and vodka went well together..and yes ill spend a small fortune on alcohol if its for something fun..but i dont have anything planned for tomorrow..im not expecting anything big so it will in a sense be just another day..but maybe it will be more than that too...