crazy normal

today was ok i guess kinda maybe sorta..i woke up not feeling good and wanting to call in sick so so much..but i didnt and i went to work and kinda woke up some...the morning went by really fast and i actually got some more orientation stuff out of the way..i actually made phone calls before i went home and made appts and everything..after lunch i was still ok but really sleepy and so cold..i kept my jacket on all day until i went out shopping with yvonne and i was pretty ok temp wise..but as soon as it got dark and the sun was gone stepping outside made my body temp drop to like 5degrees..i got so cold so fast and just couldnt warm up at all..yvonne and alexis say it feels good and im so cold im shivering and getting goosebumps..it doesnt make sense and im afraid to go to the doc and have them tell me i just dont have iron in my system at all..because first i know they will tell me to start eating meat again..and i dont really want that much..next would be flat out iron pills and ive just heard not great stuff about that..i have been remembering to take the reg vitamins and the b complex stuff that turns pee into like neon yellow..at first i was really scared about that but i looked up info on it and its ok..but still really freaky.anyway i cant regulate my body temp at all anymore..im either to hot or to cold and now with the weather just cooling off by itsself im worried ill just freeze all the time because i dont like wearing a coat and i dont want to wear a sweatshirt since i have to be professional..i dont know what im going to do..i prefer to be cold than hot but if im getting so cold i cant feel my fingers im not seeing a benefit here..and as much as i like to torture myself for the heck of it i dont like watching my fingers turn blue..still i think ill wait it out for a little while..just to see if it gets any worse or something..but how ill even know when it gets worse i really have no idea but i guess ill have to figure it out...its really really hard dealing with everyday stuff when my mood drops so fast and then gets better really fast..all day its been up and down and when im at the hospital i try really hard to not let it show so much..and so i force myself to go and talk to the nurses or to janet and cindy, or play with the kids..i hope it doesnt show...when im just in the office being quiet i try to pay attention to whats being talked about around me without being in the way or anything..it helps i guess and it gives me something else to kinda focus on for little bits of time but when im by myself its not that easy at all..it just kinda leaks out and i cant stop it...i dont know what im supposed to be doing and i juts get upset because i cant control it anymore..tonight i went to dinner twice..really funny how it happened but anyway i went to dinner twice and the second time so focused on dessert but yvonne and alexis started talking about family and boyfriend stuff and i just starting to feel incredibly left out and sad..i dont give out much information on family and yvonne only knows some things because shes around mommy sometimes and sometimes i tell her stuff..but not a lot and good grief it takes a long time to get information out of me about anything..but anyway im just listening to them talk about all this different stuuff..like serious stuf fand just deal with it and i cant even begin to talk about family with out getting scared or something..somethings im ok with but once its past surface stuff i have nothing to say and i couldnt say anything if i was being tortured to death for information..id be dead before they got any info out of me just because i would want it..yes i guess im prepared to die before i tell secerts...would i die to protect my secerts? yea i would and i think i would prefer that to talking..that way at least i know i cant get in trouble for saying anything..but the more i just listened the more i left like i didnt belong because i caouldnt talk like them..i dont really want to be them i just dont want to be me and it all just sucks so much..so i just started zoning out and getting sadder and sadder but not saying anything about it..why would i say anything about it when i couldnt possibly even begin to explain anything about why it was happening..no point in getting it started when i wouldnt be able to finish it..the more i force myself to stay seperated the harder it gets to be involved in anything..i always feel like i have to lie about something to protect someone else..but i would never consider protecting myself..i dont think its fair for me to be completely ok with dying to stop myself from talking..there is a certain level of unstabilty to that statement and it doesnt make sense. i really really considered b/p today but i didnt and it was really hard to sit there and not go to the bathroom when i know i could have gotten away with it..being full annoys me..because there is always the thought of i should have known better or i shouldnt have eaten that..i really have to wonder why i havent made more serious attempts at dying when i try so hard to get it all the time...no idea why its so hard for me to want to do it so much and be to scared to even really try..im up to late..finally im getting my car tomorrow i hope..and even that scares me a little bit..i dont really trust my abilty but i know i have to get more used to driving..i cant be scared because the second i really start to doubt myself ill get into an accident..i have to becareful but not stupid..i dont know the balance yet but i guess ill have to think of something soon..already im trying to figure out ways to drive that will keep me away from big crowds until im ready..and weekend shopping early in the morning or late at night comes to mind..so maybe i will be ok and able to figure it out without killing myself in the process..i did buy a couple new cds today..dont know why if im getting an ipod for my birthday..but it was a lisa loeb cd and a tori amos cd..very nice and there two ive wanted for a while