confusingly depressing

i dont think i can say im not having a good day when i havent done anything today. just kinda wasted the day and its only a little after 3:30 but then i woke up around 6 this morning and couldnt go back to sleep. didnt do anything this morning and i didnt do anything yesterday except wait for mommy or the guy with my car to call..mommy called but the other guy didint ...not that i wanted him to because mommy is dead set on me writing a check that cant be cashed and i dont like that or want to do it so ive been putting off talking to her..i dont care if idont get the car this weekend..its been this long im not missing much..so whats a few more days? mommmy will be really mad though since ive been avoiding her calls today..but as of like an hour ago she hadnt called me yet..lucky me but she will call before the night is over so ill just wait..i ahvent asked yvonne to go anywhere since i dont have money to spend anyway and it wouldnt have any point to going out because ill be to tempted to buy something with money i cant spend...so hanging out at home works out in a way..but being here makes me bored and i did watch a few movies and caught up on my cartoons im still bored...everything is boring lately..ive taken enough online quizzes today to drive myself up the wall and some of them are fun and i know they arent to be taken seriously but some of them are incredibly close at predicting stuff..so it keeps me occupied for a while. i like thaking the personality ones because there stupid and most of the time the answers are completely off..i keep trying to think of something to do but theres nothing i feel like doing...i could prolly watch something burn down and not care right this minute..my eyes are going all weird today and its really hard focusing on anything ..kinda fuzzy or something..no idea whats going on though..i have been taking my vitamins and i started taking b complex because i asked someone and they said it was good to help with energy levels..so it cant hurt to give it a try and when i looked it up online it said that lacking b vitamins can have a hand in being anemic so i cant see how it would hurt..ive finished my homework for the most part for tomorrow and i know im juts going to go to class and zone out completely for two hours. i dont know what i want to do..every few mintues its something different...randomly wanted to cry a second ago but i dont know..a minute before that i wanted to cut but i didnt think about it long enough to even get around to talking myself out it. i need to break a bone so i can get viacodin..although i dont think i can zone out any more than i already have still it would be nice to just not care for a little while. i spend all week looking at calendars and it doesnt matter how i count it my birthday is still in a little over a week and that doesnt seem to be changing any time soon. i can ignore it but ecentually it will still get here. sometimes i talk about it and can look forward to it but most of the time if im by myself and thinking about it i just dont want it at all..same thing every year and i really dont know if i expected this one to be any different at all. i hate that people still call me by the wrong name, im trying hard enough to get up and do what im supposed to be doing every day and ppl just unintentionally make it harder..none even know i had a sister but i have no idea why if im gonna be called the wrong name it has to be hers...i dont mention it because i think it will just make it worse..but still as it is now i guess it cant be any worse. i just dont know why it happens and it bothers me..i prolly wouldnt like it anymore if i did know why it was happening. the more i think about it the guilty i get..ive had the whole thing explained to me more than once and i still think the same thing..if i say it was my fault then i want everyone to agree with me and just let it go but that doesnt happen either..and so i know how the realistic part goes and how it couldnt possibly be my fault but it doesnt matter anyway..saying its my fault gives me something to focus on even if it is a lie. im not entirly stupid but i can keep ignoring the obvious until even that gets taken away and all thats left i guess is the truth..and the truth just sucks all around..i dont think ill have a purpose at all if i cant take the blame for somtehing i didnt do..but still i really have no idea why i wasnt used to save her..if i was healthier and didnt need the stupid liver then why didnt they think to take it? im completely useless and it sucks..even though i can be completely realistic when i want to be and i can understand a million different reasons for why i wasnt used it doesnt make it any better...if i stick with the part i know to be wrong then maybe ill drive myself crazy or something...maybe ill suffer for the rest of my life becuase i can..but i dont really want to either..i want everything to stop and just go away and things just dont happen like that..i feel like if i cried from now until i died it still wouldnt be enough to set things right..there will always be something that i will have to work at to make better and to be accepted for..considering everything ive done i dont deserve to be accepted or forgiven for anything...maybe thats why disappearing always looks so good for me...i do want to go away and not be foound because its the only thing that seems to work..but then if i left i dont think i would ever allow myself to go back to therapy again..it just wouldnt work and if i left then i wouldnt be around anyone that knew anything about me..but knowing me it would take less than a month before i got myself into a lot of trouble for something ive managed to not do. for some reason going away doesnt even feel safe if i know that mommy would be very capable of finding me anyway...theres no such thing as escape because someone would find me...camp was fun and all but at the end of it i was expected to go home..mommy doesnt believe i will move out of nc anyway and when she asks she always mentions places where i should go because i have family there..kinda hard to explain i dont want to be anywhere near family...given i dont have issues with most of the family and i can handle being around them for short periods of time..but i just really want to be by mysself..i dont want to be expected to do anything unless i decide to do it and not someone telling me what i need to be doing...i want to be able to get away with killing myself without worrying how would be dumb enough to find me..but i cant even decide if i want to die or not..i just think it gets a lot worse around my birthday for a lot of reasons...i cant get rid of being sad and not wanting to do anything just doesnt help..no this time writing isnt helping at all either..just wasted almost a half hour though..maybe ill go mess up the kitchen or something...but since i cant think of anything to cook right now ill wait...i think im starting to push people away...i only talk to yvonne when i have to because i dont know but i do..i dont really talk to anyone anymore..maybe thats why i dont want to go to class..i dont know if ill be expected to talk when i dont want too..theres only 10 people in the class and i couldnt disappear if i wanted to..besides dr bunch would call on me if she wanted to..maybe since there will be presentations tomorrow i wont have to say anything...sometimes it feels like im just a horrible liar...well i am if im always hiding something but i cant help if i only feel safe not talking..even if it drives me completely crazy because i always want to talk but i cant..ill always worry about hurting someone else before i think about what it does to me..i could say that i dont matter but im not always so sure about that...like now i am but if i wait for a while maybe my mind will change yet again..after my 50millionth camment about always being calm today i dont know what to think..its not that i dont get mad because i do but it just doesnt show..it cant show because then ill be in trouble or ill do something really stupid..i just make it go away until it doesnt bother me anymore..maybe thats a good thing because then it makes it a lot easier to deal with everything..but if im constantly hearing its perfectly fine to be angry i dont know why it wont change..im not trying that hard to change it because i dont like being anger mainly because it just scares me...and if i make it go way then i dont have to deal with it..once one of my paintings got analyzed and i swear its like they find things i wasnt even thinking about when i started the picture but i still remember the carefully hidden anger part because that was true..all of it was prolly true but i forgot some of them..same way with the no hands thing being no control..had i known that i wouldnt have drawn it in the first place...it would be a lot easier if i knew what they were looking for before i started so i would know to stay away from it but i guess that would make the picture kinda useless...i guess its kinda funny the way i always say i dont know when im asked something when i do know the answer and just dont want to say it..and it doesnt work anymore with arran anyway because i guess she kinda knows but i still use it..guess its comforting in a way..and it does give me a little more time to think about something that i dont really want to say...i guess it doesnt make any sense to keep doing it when it doesnt really work anymore. not much seems to work so much anymore..i dont want to take the time or energy to find new things to do besides it wouldnt be the same...i like the regular stuff and i have big problems with making changes..i guess it would be incentive if it means i find a new way to make myself forget things ...but it would be to different..i could also just be dumb enough to do all the stuff i already do like a lot worse but i dont want to go to the hospital either..so ill have to find a new medium that doesnt get me in anymore trouble...im looking at my wrists again but i think ive thrown both of my arm bands away and it wouldnt be a big deal to get anymore but i liked the old ones..or i could just not care and go at my lower arms but that would not be smart and i do know that...i want to go back to cutting my arms but because of mommy i cant do that either..i did my leg last weekend and it hurt but not enough..i can go back to burning to but those just worry me and im trying to stay out of the health center..the burns go to far really fast and those take forever to get better..only takes like two days before the cuts stop hurting completely regarless of how many or how deep. burns take a couple weeks even without an infection and almost all of them get infected..besides i dont really know how to really take care of burns..they are confusing in so many ways..but cleaning up after cutting is not a piece of cake either..or i could be really smart and stop all of it..prolly a full week without cutting now but since i did throw up the other day i guess it evened out...not a good idea throwing up with yvonne at home..still a bit freaked out that she is just goin to randomly ask me if im ok or something...its not like i know if she heard me or not and i cant go back and change it so ill just have to worry...