death

is it possible to live forever? everyone has to die at some point but im not really sure if i want to die or not..it changes to much and but the option is always there like i can convince myself to die if things get that much out of hand..and if it worked then what? what will happen to nia and henry or riley and harris..and the other kids who i know and play with and i know people are affected differently and i forgot who told me that it doesnt matter if you have even met someone once becuase it will still affect them anyway..prolly arran at a time when i wasnt really listening directly..but someone told me and i have to remember it because it wouldnt be good to forget..ive been thinking about my homework that i have yet to rteally sit down and write because it scares me still..while i was at camp and had the time to think while i was hiking i had the time to get used to writing it and finding out what i wanted to be said but still writing it down makes it permanent...once again ill have something in writing that cant be taken away..maybe ill write it here some day and just print it off to save myself the trouble..but i dont know what i want out of life..i dont know who i am or anything about me and so i dont know what is going to happen to me in the future..at the rate im going now ill die in about five years..without straightout doing anything i say five years..if im actually trying id say i could last a couple years..not that im planning my death or anything but if im supposed to be realistic then i can be..im not entirly stupid even if my spelling sucks at times but anyway i do know what im doing..and i know that i dont care enough to take care of myself properly and so i could be letting myself die and i dont know or i dont care enough to notice...as long as body parts arent like falling off or anything then why should i worry..its not like i look sick..scars and scars and they can be explained away if they are actually seen by someone other than me..but like mommy what are the chances i would be believed if i told the truth? might as well lie and make other people comfortable instead of worrying about how im feeling...isnt that what i learned? that it is so much better to make sure other ppl are ok before taking the time out to see if im ok...now im getting ready to graduate and i dont want to..im constantly being told to take care of myself and to get plenty of sleep and eat healthy and i just want to call them all liars...im not dying and i dont look like im dying so why should anyone care about what i do to myself..most of the time im really not trying to die..but i would feel so guilty if i did try to kill myself and it didnt work..its not that hard to figure out why people try suicide more than once..things change alot after the first try that doesnt work..theres nothing left to work for if everyone considers you stupid for doing it in the first place...i dont know what i want..ok so i do know but just knowing is enough to make me want to cry because i dont know how to get it..it is hard constantly worrying if im liked but not loved..never loved because that is stupid and a waste of time...being liked is ok but it doesnt always happen either..im tolerated and nothing more..its like people have to put up with me and not because they want to.im a chore that will be forgotten as soon as im gone...i dont ask for a lot at all..and it really doesnt take much to get me to smile and yvonne knows that..shes a pro now at quoting movies that i like to me to get me to smile..but even that is short lived if im feeling sad..i hate that i can get so sad without a reason behind it..but theres always something to be sad at..something i have to regret doing no matter how small because thats just how it has to go...im afraid to care to much because life is a disappointment that i dont know how to change..i dont really feel safe in the real world and i dont fit in either...maybe running away is a good idea if i can be my own person..but the worrying of being found would kill me or i would just come back..i hate feeling guilty i hate being me too..im still expecting someone to come and save me..i want to be saved and fixed but i dont want to have to hurt to get it done..im getting really tired of hurting all the time. i cant be happy because im always wanting for things to go wrong and mess up and somehow im always in the middle..because there is always something that i should have done better or i should have been able to fix it and i couldnt..just makes me worthless if i cant even fix my own problems..i cant even explain my problems to anyone and then i expect to be helped without anyone knowing whats going on..yea that makes a lot of sense to no one..im being eaten alive with sadness..i dont want to be me but changing doesnt always seem to be an option either..i want to be a kid and have fun and not care about anything..i want to be taken care of and loved and appreciated for being who i am..that is living in a fantasy world..my own little place of lies that just doesnt seem right anymore..i dont know what im supposed to be looking for..i dont want to have to figure anythiing out but there is always something going on in my head..something that i need to think about and then forget..and then everything just gets poured into my head and i cant stop thinking..always some thought that i have to completely break down and then put back together so that it fits how im seeing things..i have such a warped vision of so many things..how am i supposed to know whats true..i cant remember and i dont want to remember but eventually ill have to..and then what? my two years will be up and i can die in peace..the truth does not set you free it just digs you a bigger hole to hide in...im a little afraid of being alone..i cant be mad..its dangerous being mad but if im sad ill just lay around all day and not do anything..zone out completely and not care until yvonne gets back...ill have two days to do whatever i want to until she gets back and then ill have to figure out some way to disappear again until it stops hurting again..i was ok this morning and this afternoon even but then i watched tv and it all just fell apart around my head..here i am a live and reasonably healthy even and im trying to die and there are all of these people ill never know who have things a lot worse than i do and they are dying and they dont want to..why cant i be happy with what i have? because its not fair and i didnt do anything to be like this..i dont know exactly what got taken away but it was something big..really really big and it needs to be given back but i dont think it can be..once its gone its gone forever and its just to bad for me..something is missing but im not sure ill ever be able to find it..i should have died along with nicole..i should have and i didnt..instead im stuck here..not living but not dead yet either..walking zombie or something..im worried about next week..im worried about being expected to go home for grannys birthday party when everyone has forgotten mine..mommy told me im not getting anything because of all the money she put into my car..she seems to have forgotten that im the one who just paid almost 600 dollars on it and it still doesnt work..what the heck and im supposed to be thinking..how is it possible to even consider that i might matter when i try around and find out i dont..if i just disappeared for a while who would notice..who would care? everything i learned over the summer is gone now and it sucks that i could gain something and lose it so fast..i dont want to be constantly trying to think up inventive ways to hurt but i dont..i dont want to keep being so scared of everythig because maybe not everyone is out to hurt me or make me cry..if i had to write my obituary what would it say? i want to write on just to find out but thinking about it empties my head..maybe because im in such a bad mood and im just starting to get nervous and not feel good..right now i have a headache but whos to say i wont walk in the kitchen and just keep taking meds..not that we have anything stronger than reg tylenol but still..ill wait it out for a little lnoger until i can find something that will let me sleep..i want to be ok but im not..im so far from ok im in a different time zone..still i can fake it until im ok..but if i fake it then am i being nonvalidating or something...i can pretend until things are ok again..but i dont know how long that will take..i dont want to be me for a while