write write write

hmm dont know where my head is at right now..i wanted to purge i did but it hurt so much i couldnt...why in the world couldnt i do it ?? i do it all the time and today it didnt work..it makes me so upset because i wanted it regardless of the pain..i shouldnt be upset over something like this..i should have just been fine with understanding that maybe my body just didnt let me throw up..and its still bothering me..but its too late to purge now..and iw as just watching tv and laying on the floor and i just started thinking about cutting..and now i want that pain more.. if one doesnt work try another..i cant juts do nothing..and so i actually remembered some of the things im supposed to try..umm not really talking to anyone but im writing so thats something..its not killing the urge though..i think im just making it worse..i dont want to talk to anyone..i want to be left alone so this is as good as it gets..maybe ill go hide in the bathroom or something and hope the feeling will pass..maybe i need to find something else to clean up or color again..i just want to keep my mind off of things for a while..i keep seeing my arm completely ruined, i keep seeing myself covering my arm becuase of what ive done to it and it wasnt good at all..i dont want to do what i keep looking at in my head...i dont