back to the basics

it does seem like life is seriously going back into basic survival mode..sleep, eat, work..nothing interesting nothing worth thinking about for to long..of course no car again..i dont know what i was thinking actually believing what i was told..i should have known better and i still let it get by me..stupid me for continuing to be so gullible and believe everything im told without bothering to question any of it..that being said im a complete hypocrite on top of everything else..but maybe no im a hypocrite about everything..i keep pretending that i dont know whats going on when i do..i keep trying hard to make myself forget and it doesnt work..i cant forget what i dont remember and i cant forget what i do remember and then i just have a way to get back at myself for being stupid or mean or something...and if i dont remember all of it then how in the world can i even know if what i see is true..i dont know..i just wish i could go away for a little while..i want a break a real one but i want to go somewhere where i cant be found again..if i did then theres a good chance i wouldnt even come back..but who would notice or miss me or care? it wouldnt be a big deal until someone needed me to do something for them..so what does that say about me exactly? im completely expendable or something? i dont care and it doesnt matter..im not going to be going anywhere and things will always be the same...i keep thinking that ill always be like this and i hate that..i cant handle being like this forever..i would never be able to give myself a break and all the time now i wish for camp again..i want to go back to camp and forget everything else i cant handle..i want the people from camp who liked me and listened to me..i dont really feel safe anymore now that i actually know what safe is..i want to be hugged and really believe that things will be ok..i dont know what was so different while i was there..but i would give anything to go back...i feel alone and invisible which could be the same thing as feeling lonely and unimportant..but it all moves so fast im not really sure either..one minute i could die from all the pain that doesnt show and the next minute i could swear nothing would ever hurt me again..but im such a baby that it doesnt take much to hurt me and i just want to yell at myself to grow up and get a life..i dont know what i want but im not really sure ill ever find it...my head is moving really really fast right now and i keep going from one thing to another without stopping and it makes my head hurt..more often than not these nights i have to do the mindfullness thing or else ill never sleep..im forever worrying about something and it is hard to calm down..i want to be saved before i manage to kill myself...i dont know when it will suddenly happen but its just one of those things i kinda know will happen..i want to die to much to just let it drop and not worry about it..all i do is write, write, write..all day long im writing without ever picking up a pen..i cant turn my head off and all day there is something going on that i need to write down and its like im forever talking to myself in my head..writing my life story that i dont even know about since it will never be published or anything..who in there right mind would ever want to read about my life? nothing interesting or worth there time has ever happened to me..ive had a boring life and i havent even ever broken a bone..maybe i should go play in traffic and break something and then listen to mommy come up with an excuse for why i was standing in the middle of traffic..i know she would because if they said i was just flat out in the middle of the street standing there ..mommy would swear i was doing something else or i had some other reason to be there..the obvious is just to wrong to be true and there is nothing true in the truth which makes it all a bunch of lies but by then i would forget what even i knew to be true anyway..so i guess everyone but me would be happy with the outcome and i of course would be in the hospital..you know you can go to jail for threatening to kill yourself and that is seriously the stupidest thing ive ever heard of in my life..almost as stupid as reporting a suicidal person in the first place..but then ive already been on the receiving end of a suicidal person and ive been suicidal enough to have someone completely freaking out for me when i dont have the energy to care one way or another about anything that goes on..and it is nerve wrecking in the worst way worrying if they will do anything and there is no way to get up with them..it sucks and its so so hard...im really really glad i wasnt placed i nthe dss places for my intern..it would kill me literally i have no idea who i would have handled any of it...right now the stress isnt really getting to me but im not dealing with abuse or neglect or anything..i have the kids who are fighting to go home and be as normal as they can be and i can deal with that ok..but for other reasons i do have to write or im pretty sure my head will fall off or something..sometimes i worry if i dont control everything i will float off becasue there is so much stuff being crowded into my head..im starting to get distracted ..its 9 and im ready to go to bed..im not feeling good anyway..talked about my weird obssession with the grocery store today with janet and it was interesting..i seriously think im one of like a million ppl who actually likes going to the grocery store..i would see no problem with going to the grocery store just to look around and not buy anything..doesnt make sense but then theres not much about me that does