i need to get out of the house..i need to do something...im going crazy with worry and waiting and trying to stay safe..and the more i think about going to the store today..the more i am thinking about how nice it would be to get razors...to have them..not use them (deluded i know)...but thinking clearly is not a major point right now...im not really sure what is a major point right now...im just down and tired of worrying about everything..im tired of waiting for my phone to ring..im tired of waiting to be given a chance and it makes me just again feel as if i am good at nothing at all...i talked to an old coworker yesterday about her interview at the same place i interviewed ..and again by the time i g ot off the phone with her..i was just thinking and telling myself that i did an awful job..that there is nothing good about anything ive done..that my resume and my interview were junk and should be thrown away and never looked at again...on and on and on...and the more i worry..the more negative i get and its frustrating ..and im afraid ill juts spend my days laying down and ignoring everything around me...juts realized that i forgot about another bill ..and i just want to cry..im tired..but this is not sleepy tired...this is all of my concerns and worries are sitting on my shoulders and it is going to break me..and then ill die and be left alone...
maybe i should give courtney a call...but i dont want to be forced back into therapy either...not right now..well if i was forced now it would be a useless thing...but maybe just to talk a little bit or something..i dont know...it may not be the best idea to tell the person who controls my meds that i am feeling pretty suicidal .... maybe ill just keep quiet for a bit longer... just wait and manage and just keep quiet ..i dont know...im told i can manage...so i guess thats what ill do...
time for meds...yay me..
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