i guess its time to update...ive kinda stayed away from writing the last few days...wasnt really sure what i wanted to say..or how to say it with becoming so negative about everything...today im not negative though..today im juts depressed..and trying to adjust to the med change really...i had a feeling that going back to the metformin was going to be awful on my stomach..and well yeah...it is causing some difficulties...so going to have to adjust ..and give it time i know..but crud not having a dang gallbladder can be a real pain in the butt...eating is still touch and go a lot of the time...and still i end up becoming one with the bathroom more often than i care to admit...but yeah..gotta change what im eating and i know this..i do...
but anyhoo that i can deal with..its nothing new..its just a bit embarrassing always needing to go to the bathroom after eating...and normally its less than an hour after eating...but yeah on to other topics...this past week has been very trying and tiring and sad and angry and just a lot of hurt, fear, panic...i was let go from my job..and it is the lack of a pay check that hurts more than being let go..i miss my clients but i really was not a good fit for the company..and i know that...and i can move on from that...the fear of course though is figuring out how to have money and not become homeless at the end of april..when i dont have another check coming at all...that is my biggest fear right now...im trying to figure out what to do...im looking for a job..im going on interviews...but im afraid that i will not find something in time...because i really dont know what to do next if i am going to have to find another place to live...because this time around i dont have the money for a hotel...im afraid to think to far past that ..because the next step is my car...and once it gets to that point ..i really just dont know....i know i could get a job .. again doing the inhome stuff..but the thing is that i really dont want to do that anymore...if it comes down to it..then i know i can apply for an inhome job...but i dont want to..but again i cant really be that choosy if i need a job like now...so yes i am anxious and worried and on the edge of panic pretty often the past week....i go back tomorrow for an interview with the program director at the huf center..and that is a job that i think i will truly like...im doing my best to be confident in the interviews, and talk and ask questions...and yes i can start immediately ..and yes there are benefits...and i just want some stability ... a set schedule..full time..no more driving all over the place with my car..because my car is on its last legs and well yeah...sooner rather than later it will end up needing to go in for some work...stupid check engine light is on..but yeah..that is what i am looking at ...pretty much...
another change..another lesson learned...another reminder to keep my work and my personal life completely separate..but i went into the last job with a lot going on..and unfortunately things continued going on and yeah i did let it affect my work..and well i cant let that happen again..nothing good came of it...there was no help offered...no ideas offered...nothing really except a bunch of people feeling sorry for me ...and that really doesn't help me at all...i hate having people feel sorry for me...yes shit happens..and unfortunately it seems that lately i have a lot of freaking shit happening..but im trying and hoping that it wont last forever..trying to hope anyway...
another obstacle is that my meds have gone up price wise..to be living on a major budget currently..having to unexpectedly pay over $100 for meds for a month was just a low blow...i cant afford that..quite honestly...and for a little while i was jealous of people who are able to get there meds for free...but i cant..and so i have to pay for them..and the insurance that im forced to pay for has not started yet...and so right now im just stuck in so many ways..i got my meds because without them i wont be able to function and would just end up sick having to come off of them...but my funds are dwindling rapidly..and i am juts worried....trying to plan ahead...trying to figure out what i have and what i need...i have taji and bounce to care for...and so that pushes my needs even further down the list .... basic needs arent really being met right now...except that i have a place to live for the next two weeks...all weekend ive been trying to figure out what i need food wise..to get through the week..and im really not picky...because sandwiches and wraps are fine....it just makes me sad that i am back in the situation where i am forced to get just the minimal basics for myself...and nothing more....i have $20 (maybe a little bit more since i had to let henry borrow money this weekend and mommy is supposed to be giving it back to me tomorrow) to go to the grocery store with tomorrow..and that will have to get my food for the week...to put with what i have here at home already...so it is not anything worth mentioning...sandwiches, hot dogs, fast easy and completely unhealthy...but i cant over eat...guess mommy will be proud of me for losing weight...yeah..but yeah im trying to be realistic...im trying to do what i have to do to get by..without asking for help..from anyone....i have to remind myself that i have a place to stay and that really is the most important in my mind...
im going out of town for a couple days well at the end of the week..and im nervous since i will be meeting some of sarahs friends..and i always stink at meeting new ppl..and the need to be liked becomes just a bit overwhelming..and i guess im scared..that i will mess up..that i will end up sick..that i will ruin the entire trip for sarah somehow..and i dont want that...maybe i can just pack some food for the weekend or something...i dont know...maybe ill just be able to use the money mommy owes me towards going out of town instead of using it to get groceries ... i mean i have bread and cheese ..so i can make grilled cheese...maybe ill just go get some more noodles...im gonna have to talk myself out of getting spaghetti..well talk myself out of wanting spaghetti ... that is to much money to spend..i dont know..im trying to keep my worries to myself...so that sarah or nia doesnt worry... im trying hard not to cut ... again...4/9/14 i guess is my start over date...over a year and all down the drain now...i dont want to cut but the thoughts fill my head...lifes circumstances are overwhelming me and the medication..and i am getting no piece of mind...i may stop seeing elizabeth ..i dont know yet...im forced to see courtney every couple months..because she wont call in a refill for the clonazapan if i dont see her...and as things in my life seem to crumble around me..i am starkly aware that i was told that i cant be helped..that all i do is complain about my life...and so for now i refuse to even consider going to therapy or anything else...im not sure i can handle rejection again..i dont want to handle another rejection...and i know that this is current life stuff may be temporary ..but i cant live in the future..im stuck in the present..and i have to go day by day...and it feels like it is forever...it feels like i am worthless and stupid and just a major screwup....but at least it is only my life that i am screwing up...bbecause i can put my energy on making sure taji and bounce are cared for..and whats left i guess can be used for me...sometimes i do end up wondering what is left for me...and sometimes i dont think anything actually is left...
my small moments of fun are with sarah..my roommates did get me out of the house last week one morning..and for that i am grateful...but being around sarah or spending time at sarahs place..gives me time away from my own thoughts...most of the time my head is quiet when im with her..sometimes not...but i enjoy getting to be with her, near her...for a little while i can forget that i am a bad person..with nothing to offer..for a little while...but then i come home and i am reminded that things are not ok and that well i have no idea what is going to happen..and i hate that...im so so so glad that sarah has a safe place to live..and is getting out and doing more stuff ... i am... but it makes me sad that i am not able to go out and do things...personal choice yes..and when things are going on i know i have a much harder time getting myself to get out or even to leave the house...but that is my concern...i want sarah to be happy and to be busy cas she likes being busy and not stuck at home...its important to her..so its important to me...
tomorrow is going to be a very trying day..i have the interview in the morning...but first i have to go to the clinic and pick up the mirena thing because i have to go back to the gyno in the afternoon tomorrow...so a pretty busy and stressful sorta day...it makes me tired juts thinking about it..and yes im going to go to everything i need to get too...but the motivation and desire is gone right now...everything is a chore...everything feels like it is to much and takes to much energy to do..juts the day to day stuff....
im back to sleeping on the floor..i have given up on trying to fix the air mattress..i patched the holes i found..and still it kept going flat...so i have g.iven up and am juts sleeping on the floor..not a big deal i guess..just something else to deal with..
so i guess that is my update...i dont know what else to say or how to make this any happier...im not sure there is even much happiness in it..a little bit..but overall .. i think its safe to life that i am depressed and that life is just continuing to kick my ass.
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