secrets and lies

as im sitting here debating on if i want to eat or not..im choosing to ignore the fact that my head is hurting and that i am feeling a bit sick..and all of that...sometimes you gotta make choices..and thankfully i have pasta for tomorrow..i ate some this afternoon for lunch ..so i can have the rest tomorrow...and i dont have to worry about figuring out what to cook...because no matter how i try to get things worked out in my head..nothing is working out..and im just frustrated with all of it..

i know i am hiding today...i knew i would end up hiding today but i again tried to convince myself otherwise...tried to convince myself that it was ok..that i would be ok ... but no... reality hit me squarely in the chest this morning..and now..all ive done is lie to mommy about what i have and dont have money wise..and i keep getting so defensive talking to her..i try not to ..but it takes almost nothing and im angry and dont want to talk to her..i dont want to be questioned..i have enough worries going on without needing her questioning every single thing..of course she asked if i was getting paid this week and of course i said yes...what difference does it make if i said no?? my lack of being able to care for myself is staring me in the face and i can feel that it is slowly picking away at me....its sad how badly i want to cut just for a bit of relief...just so i can sleep or think or just manage to do anything without being plauged by worry...i talk to nia and im so jealous..and i hate how jealous i am..its not good to compare..but again my struggles are mine to deal with alone and in secret..thats what mommy tells me...more or less that is what she tells me..and i try hard to keep my secrets to myself...and them slipping out is making me want to punish myself more and more...i hide so i dont have to talk..i dont have to lie if im not talking to anyone ...

i feeling to many things right now...and i look at the time frame that i have inadvertently set for myself and all i can see is me failing at all of it....and then the negative thoughts take over and my head is full of thoughts that i dont want to have...and i know exactly what i am doing...that is the part of all of this that just makes it all seems so wrong and worthless...i know i am trying to push ppl away...there are not that many people i talk to anyway..but the few i do talk to..have lives of their own..they have families and jobs and dont need me and my depressing mess of a life getting in their way...i really would give almost anything to go back to being able to hold on to my silence like i did in college...not speak to anyone..and then there is no one to ask questions..no one to notices scars..no one to notice anything at all ...

i know the saying is that things will get worse before they get better...but how much more do i have to deal with ?  what else can happen ?  what else can i do or not do...and reaching out for help is just like being lost in the dark...no one can help me..i cant even help me...but again..as long as i can keep my mood neutral and/or slightly drugged whenever i am around anyone else..then what is there to know..what is there to do...smile, pretend, repeat, and push away all thoughts of anything else...i remember now why i relied on cutting...i remember why i needed it to get through the day..to get through the hour..maybe i will just sleep the days away....at least if im sleep i wont be thinking...