its been a few days i think...since ive written and quite a few things have happened....i have accepted a job...doing the same thing but i think it will be for short term...and for short term i will manage...for kathy i will manage..i will not disappoint her or dissappoint sarah or nia you know...not again...kathy vouched for me with this particular job and i dont want her word to not be true...i want them to be proud of me...i want to be proud of me..i want someone to be proud of me..i want to just prove that i know what i am doing..that things are going to work out.. that i can do my job and do what is expected of me...i can and i will...because as much as it hurts to admit..yes i had a hand to play in losing my past jobs...whatever the reason..bad timing..personal issues..bad choices on my part...whatever it may have been..it was not that i was in no way involved...no i am smart enough to realize this and acknowledge it...im not perfect..and i guess i need to start living with that knowledge..im not better any anyone else and would never think i was..but in the job world i can get easily distracted and downplay what it is that i do..and end up sabatoging myself and my job and then i end up being fired and getting stressed out and depressed and suicidal..and its a never ending circle..and i just need it to stop...i want stability so i need to make and keep things stable...in all parts of life...which brings me full circle and the issue of therapy comes back up again...i am willing to look for another therapist..im afraid and scared though..i dont want to be hurt again or told that i cant be helped..i dont want to feel so helpless and lost and just not worthy of being helped...so...again it is about me...how i am seeing the world..how i am viewing myself in the world...what i feel i deserve or dont deserve..and it is so very hard to break the cycle of thoughts...as much as i can say its not going to happen ..that im going to be able to stay present and do what i need to do..im afraid that ill still get caught up in my head and there will once again be a repeat of the past job...yes there are still things going on..there are a lot of things going on..alot to deal with and think about and just trying to maintain...and im scared that i wont be able to manage..that it really will be a repeat..that i will once again fail and be just a nobody...a worthless nobody...
i guess it all comes down to figuring out what it is that i want..and what it is that i am willing to work for ...i want a job, i want a place to live, i want to be caught up on bills and not stressed about money...i want to be healthy and not think about dying, etc..and i want to be able to be with sarah...and it seems like it is a lot ..but so much of it is all just connected to each other...to do anything i need a job...with the job comes the money..but the other piece is therapy/meds..something...that is the piece that i am still so very unsure about ...i no longer hide the scars as much as i have done in the past..because the scars arent going anywhere..but i do want to be honest when i say i am not cutting..which means coming clean to courtney..and at least letting her know that things were getting kinda bad for a while there...
and right now...today..i am feeling more hopeful about things..im afraid yes, stressed to the max about money ..yep...used all the money i had for my car insurance..yep..but somehow it will work out ..it just has to...and so i will be careful...and if nothing else i will sell my other laptop if i can...because i have a feeling that this month is going to hurt majorly in the financial part of things...but i have a place to stay at least....and a bit of gas...and i guess sometimes i really just have to wonder at what more do i need..truly...
i know that there are a couple bills i majorly need to get paid off and out of the way...and work done on my car..but right now i have nothing to put towards anything and so i am stuck waiting...right now i have to get my priorities set..so that i have an idea of what i am working towards...of what i am working for...and right now there are 4 things....1. to find a place to live, 2. to have the money and stuff needed for both sarahs and noas birthdays in july, 3. to have everything paid off for the cruise by the due date and save money for getting to fla...4. getting my health in order... that is what i am working for..that is what i want and that is going to take some planning and hard work and all of that...but i have to get my head in order...my head is my downfall..my thinking..my distorted thinking...all of it...it is my head and how i view things and how i view the world that gets my stuck...and i feel like i have to go back to the basics..silly things like making sure i get up and shower every day...make sure im taking my meds..that sort of thing...so simple it seems but it is so hard for me to do at times..and i hate that...i feel so gross...and i cant get out of my head long enough to even bother convincing myself to do something as simple as going and taking a shower...yeah at times i do feel incredibly pathetic...and so very unsure of myself...
but last night...even though i was up and down and fidgeting which may just have been partially because i was without my meds...but i spent the night with sarah...and well firstly i would just like to point out..that two people can infact sleep on a twin bed...the problem comes in when some people dont want to share lol...but anyway..no i just get antsy and feel trapped if i am unable to get enough space..and its like i fight myself to stay close to her and then fight myself to back away some...i guess im feeling a bit confused on things again..because my want to be with her all the time isnt possible right now of course..and i dont want to crowd her when i am with her..but then i lose control of my thinking so very easily around her..and i know im an adult..and that she is an adult ..but the fact that i cant seem to stay in control of myself scares me...because if i am not in control then who is? i try not to let my whiny 'i need 100% of your attention at all times' get out..but the thoughts are there..and i dont think that is fair..to be wanting all of her time and not wanting anyone else to have her time...which lets me know on one hand the attachment to her is only getting stronger....but on the other i am still fighting to not become lost in her...i guess its juts that me and attachments happen quickly sometimes and this time the attachment is completely different ..because sarah is not older than me..and she isnt someone that i am looking at as a mother figure...she is instead someone who i see as being equal to me...and i have to remind myself that there are still boundaries...i cant throw the pieces of myself at her and ask her to put me back together so that i dont have to hurt anymore...ask her to stay with me when im not feeling good or ssad i can do..being around her and not being afraid i can do...but again i think that it is just i dont know how to be in a relationship..and so im questioning myself and my wants to death..and being afraid of what i may or may not like or want or any of that...giving voice to desires is still something that terrifies me..like i can like something but i cant ask for something type thinking...which makes no sense because i do ask her for things but maybe im wrong and only think i ask for things and instead im juts thinking questions and not saying them outloud...and well there is still the small issue of juts forgetting everything at certain times..and then trying not to get lost in feelings that makes me never want to be away from her...those moments of empty headedness takes everything away for a while..which is prolly why i forever want to do things or think about doing things or just darn thinking in general that leads my head into a very dirty place...it is still a surprise at just how much of a dirty mind i have...and i could even go into a long explanation of why..and how it happened and why im so ashamed of it...and maybe i will one of these days ..because of course i have to analyze myself to death...but its like taking years of not being able to have something..or being forced to have something involuntarily and making it possible to ask for it...yeah..you may as well just ask me to go and become president or something..that might in fact be easier than facing the things i happen to think about pertaining to adult relationships...i may be naive but again my knowledge comes from books, movies, blah...and some of that stuff is just highly embarrassing all on its own! so them my easily impressionable mind gets ahold of these things and its like...frick..frick..frick..double frick..kill me now type thinking/feeling...i really wonder how i come up with some of the things that i come up with...and i still cant explain how i manage to lose clothing so very easily around her...and i dont think i meant to ramble on so much about this...but i guess again..that at the bottom of it all is the fear that i will not be able to let go of the thought/want of being hurt and allowing things to happen with sarah to happen that dont cause that kind of pain..yeah warped thinking yet again...i cant escape it....
but my head is starting to hurt..i think i will lay down for a little while...
but we did watch nanny mcphee this morning..and that made me happy..and sleeping and being help maybe me happy too..getting up and getting dressed cas of darn aides coming did not make me happy...oh and i got to watch spongebob this morning too...
that little paragraph alone makes me really question if i will ever be ok and adult at the same time...-sigh- yeah..going to lay down and give my head a break ... lack of meds does have me feeling a bit off right now...
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