i wish i could be normal in a relationship...i am ashamed that my emotional level at times is that of a child and i cant help it...im ashamed that asking for what i want when it come to more intimate things that i get so embarrassed ... i just wish things had been different growing up..that i wasnt so broken now..and confused..and not understanding how to put things into words that make sense to someone else...
and maybe i just noticed it more tonight for some reason ... i was laying down with her and no i wasnt afraid..i was safe..going to fall off the bed but safe...i like being held but i would never admit it...it is a never ending urge to have physical contact..just to know that she is there..and since that cant happen ..i think somewhere in my head..i get scared .. because i want to be around her all the time..because she calms my head..calms my mind..and then manages to get me so distracted i think i go cross eyed at times..but it really is the little things...like getting a hug when im upset and crying..or just laying down and not even talking but just physically being near her..doing things that make her smile...or the fact that she will watch endless episodes of spongebob just because it helps me when im having a bad day or something... its the little kisses and holding my hand that lets me know ..well lets me feel important to her...
i know i have a lot of trouble expressing myself with like relationship stuff..i dont know what i want to know..or what i want to be reassured about...i wonder if maybe i do things wrong .. or i mess things up.and again there is no healthy track record for me to bounce back on..no experience..no past relationships..there is nothing...and i guess my all goes into self esteem and what not...that i wonder why me...what about me makes me want me so much..what is it that allows her to love me...when i just look in the mirror and see nothing special at all... im just me..whoever that is...and i know some things really dont have an answer..that things just kinda click the right way..that things juts kinda work...i know that in relationships you have to talk ... if something happens or you want something or whatever it is ... you have to talk about your fears and hopes and wants and dreams..talk about the good and the not so good..the struggles and the fun....i dont know....maybe if i sleep on it then it will make more sense in the morning...
side note...the lword tonight had me ready to go insane..dang show...embarrassment, fascination, desire, etc...sometimes i really do forget how old i am..and i have to remind myself that im not doing anything wrong
right sleep...heres hoping for no nosebleeds stupid allergies
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