been
doing a lot of thinking..and well i dont know yet how i want things to
turn out...you know the saying that if things keep happening that maybe
its you and not whats going on around you? maybe i am the problem with
my jobs...maybe im not trying hard enough or not caring..yes the mental
stuff gets in the way a lot..but i dont want to apply for disability..i
can work...i can,
but i keep messing up..making the wrong choices...not turning stuff
in...am i making my own chaos? am i keeping myself completely stuck in
this mess ??? i havent been changing jobs a lot you know and the ones i
have left or had to leave have all been because of me going against some
policy i guess..but why cant i keep a job? and then the ones that i am
able to keep..i dont try at anymore because i dont like the work
anymore...maybe i should focus on that whole be all you can be at one
job and not focus on leaving it..but me not turning my work in isnt the
only reason i dont like the current job that i am at...the way the
company is run is not for me...im afraid of the women in charge...and
there is no communication at all..and it feels like im only really
contacted when they need something from me...but if something is late
then it is my fault for not knowing ..and not getting things turned
in..but when no one is telling me anything how am i supposed to know???
im not allowed to get the charts..my job is contract so i dont even have
to go into the office..but the only way to access the charts and things
are to go to the office...but i dont like being in the office...i am
not comfortable there..and i still dont like the fact that i was
referred to as 'that girl' .... i just dont know if its me ..or if i am
just some how constantly sabotaging myself with the whole work
thing...have i truly created this entire mess and it really completely
and truly is all my fault ?
and i really dont know who to even talk to about any of this because once again i am the last one to clue in on what is actually going on and what is wrong..and what is at the bottom of all of this ..and as much as i want to call kathy and talk to her..i know what she is going to ask me...she will ask me what am i getting out of it..that if im doing whatever it is that i am doing..then there is some reward im getting, some payoff, SOMETHING is making me do what i am doing or not doing...but what is it...am i punishing myself ? is it just pure and simple sabotage? is there some point that i am trying to prove to myself or to everyone else? i dont know... i really dont...i hate being in trouble at work..i hate being behind...im not settled right now..and i know that is affecting a lot of things..but even going back to why im not settled is a big glaring sign that just screams this is a result of my actions...good or bad..its my actions..and now im struggling and trying and not trying and giving up every other day...and am frustrated beyond belief because i dont know what i am going to do..or how im going to manage...and it makes me want to cry and scream and throw things...
but im obviously doing so well without therapy...god i want to just go yell at my old therapist and tell her that she forced me out into the world and i wasnt ready yet...and now its like im on a one way quest to prove that i dont need therapy...that i am not going to kill myself...it doesnt matter if the urges to cut are getting stronger some days...it doesnt matter if im taking to much or my meds or not taking them at all...hey do i get brownie points for not getting to the point of throwing up what im eating?! no i dont want to be positive..i want to be in a bad mood ..but that is all my fault too because i am supposedly in control of my own thinking and what not..and so if im in a bad mood then it is my responsibility to make it better or change it or something..and im all out of freaking ideas...and so the old stuff comes back...dont talk...dont say anything is wrong..do what i need to do and just keep going ...because nothing else is important..im supposed to be a fuctioning member of society ..and well i guess that is the goal i am suppsoed to have...craziness be damned....that is going to have to go away..and i say that and know it wont...its been so long..dealing with myself..that i know the depression and all of that isnt going anywhere..it has its days when it lessens and some of the weight is off of my shoulders..but in general .. no... in general im just a sad pathetic person and i wonder if i actually have the right to live...but that is the part of things that no one wants to hear about..that is to difficult to talk about...i have managed to screw things up for my entire life..what makes now any different at all?
maybe ill go to sleep..and not think..maybe ill just zone out...maybe ill just do something to make my mood worse ... im hiding out today...i may hide out next week..since my supervisor wont tell me what i can and cant do work wise...so ill be left to my own devices .... and that never leads to anything good ...after a while...
negative thoughts are winning out today..and im tired of all of it
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