i am feeling stuck and well anxious right now...worrying and trying not to..trying to tell myself that something is going to work out..that next week will be my week and i will get a call about a job...the inactivity of not working is beginning to scare me, that i will become to comfortable with doing nothing...but i dont want to end up lost within myself...
im not really sure what i am feeling actually...am i upset? sad? down? depressed? okay? worried? stressed? i really dont know...i really dont know.
I feel reflective but i dont know why.
I think i accidently got triggered yesterday and the thoughts are still hiding under the surface. I know the thoughts that hide. The insecurities, the questions, the why me, the how come i ended up hurt and afraid of everything but only I seem to remember? What is wrong with me?
Mommy says she doesnt remember. Mommy always asks if she was a good parent, she says she was a good parent, that she scarficed so very much for us, but at what cost? I was strong enough to stand against her, and so i was broken. Repeatedly broken on purpose because she could do it. She told me she did things on purpose because of my reaction, because then I would blindly agree and not argue. No one was there to tell me anything differently...I believed her. I still believe her and still question just what it is that i remember.
What is it, the beatings, the humiliation, the forced social interactions, the need to behave, to be seen and not heard, the knowledge that you do not cross mommy, the fear of being in trouble, the fear of not remembering and getting in trouble, the threats, the pain, the yelling, the comparing, my life but it is one i do not remember fully. anyone who meets mommy know would swear i was just being an ungrateful little bitch, that I was making things hard for her. How could I be so ungrateful, so mean to her..but how do you explain just how mean and hurtful she has been to me?? how am I the one that is wrong and spiteful and bitter? All the years of hurt got locked so far away..the yelling and comments about myself became my own..and I am better at breaking myself these days than she is...
It makes me sad, to think about a life that feels like it is not my own. To know and fully understand that I do have two sets of parents that did not want me. No one has explained the adoption, no one has remembered my sister...and so I am truly alone in regards to a biological family. So many different scenarios could have happened, but no one has told me the truth. no one has told me why. left to my own devices who am i to believe? what am i to believe? should i be greatful that i was not pushed through the foster system? but instead ended up in a home where nothing i did was good enough? where punishment was anything that was close enough to hurt? where fear ruled, and hiding and being invisible was important. to break the rules meant days of worry and fear, days of threats until eventually there was pain. There was no protection, never any protection. but mommy swears she doesnt remember..how can she not remember? how can she forgot when she made me eat out of the toilet, or all the times she hit me with the bat or brushes or brooms or belts, or switches..or the piece of trim that had fallen off? how do you forget calling me a slut and a whore when I wasnt old enough to understand what the words meant. I knew they were bad but not what they meant. I was bad that was the message. She knew everything and I knew nothing. I had nothing. My stuff destroyed on a whim..because my room was messy..i held no attachment to anything because nothing was mine. how she believed other men over me. i wanted her to kill me when she threatened to. she had the knife, so why did she not go through with it? i was defenseless? i had nothing to protect myself with? and probably would have stood there and not fought back. I would have welcomed death...there was nothing in the world for me at all. when things became sexually she was not there..but she was..i was told to obey, to be nice, to play...she had no idea of the game that was played, or the resulting acting out..that i am ashamed of...the inability to say no..the inability to know that it was ok to say no ..to stop it..but i was older so it was my fault. i was bad and nasty and disgusting....but fear kept me silent, and defending myself was not worth the trouble...i am destined to be alone because she has said so...but im not alone..and it is in moments like this that i hang on to sarah like a life line...to keep my from drowning in my thoughts....mommy choose others over me...again and again and again..she choose others over me..she ignores me and demands my attention..she expects so much from me...expects me to be so much..and i do not have the energy to combat it...it is a useless fight...because who would believe me? what does this mean? for me? for my life? for anything at all?
my thoughts still control me....the words and rules and promises and hurts control me...she told me i was crazy..that i needed to be in the hospital...but no one is allowed to know..so i stay out of the hospital..even when i am looking death in the face...i stay out of the hospital...because that is against the rules...because then everyone will know im crazy and that is not okay...but there is no longer any help for me...ive tried to find the help...therapy, meds, talking, writing, there is nothing left to try...and even my therapist gave up on me..so what do i have to live for?
one thing that i really truly can not deal with is a parent who choosing someone else over their child...i cant handle that..there is no forgiveness in me for that...
im just quiet im not crazy
i dont need the meds
i dont need anything
i need to smile
i need to get out of the house more
i need to not eat
that is the recommendations of mommy...
sometimes i do feel like dumping all the meds down the toilet and never taking any of them again....not take them and see what happens...
i just want to lay down and hide
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