fears...there is no peace..

i guess i knew this was coming...the ability to break down and still smile and as my mood goes down my desire to stay safe goes with it...i have no plans to die but pain can happen in a lot of different ways..and im just tired...really very tired of struggling and messing up and then just struggling again...im not blaming anyone for my situation..im not looking for pity either...but i have learned once again that it is better to just keep quiet...because there is no help..there is nothing at all..and so i already am worried about how to manage...what i need to do..will i be homeless?  will i have a job?  will i be able to manage? ii really am very very stupid ..and i ended up getting denise in trouble by accident today and i didnt mean to do that at all..i really didnt ...but i guess i have run out of good wishes, second chances..anything and everything...and im done...and ill have all week to just think about all of it...and stress and worry..and now i truly am alone with this..mommy is looking for money from me and im like..i dont have anything..right now...i dont have anything for anyone right now...i think after my meeting tomorrow ill juts hide for the rest of the week..there is really no need to see anyone at all..i have nothing to say..i cant help anyone..i cant even help myself right this minute....and all i can think is that this all just counts as complaining..that im afraid ill be in trouble for saying anything, writing anything...that when i say i need to be quiet then that means all communication is cut off...all of it...but i just cant be quiet..and i feel that i need to be punished because i have forgotten the old rules...i talk to much... and i know better...i really do know better...