ssssooooo about yesterday

i want to write about yesterday but i need to go to the bathroom soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad and i cant because im going to have the dang drug screen done in like an hour and if i go and pee now i wont be able to later....and so i have to hold it..and i just feel like hopping around the room trying to hold it in .... yes this is my sad life at the moment ! goodness...

but about yesterday....yeah..death warmed over..i felt awful ..went to my interview..and then went over to sarahs and completely crashed...like sleep refused to let me go..and i kept falling asleep and trying not to fall asleep and still falling asleep...it took a bit before i asked for pain meds...the pain comes and goes..but when it comes it hurts like crazy...right now im not hurting and am feeling able to get up and stuff...but yesterday it wouldnt stay away..and i hate how needy i get when i am not feeling good..sarah stayed with me though..good heavens i really hope i didnt start crying or anything..but i stayed over at her place all afternoon and evening...

and i guess the part i wanted to write about was the conversation we had before i came home...because it has me thinking very hard...and i guess sometimes i forget that this is life and something there really are worries going on for both of us..about different things..about the same things...and kind of just being reassuring and listening and being able to kinda figure things out a bit...or wee where things are at...  it does make me sad that i am afraid of things that i want to do because im scared of not being able to stay in control..and how much the past has warped my mind and im not sure all the time what it is that i am wanting or why...no i dont want to be hurt...but there is a fine line between pain and pleasure...and i think that confuses me ... because what i want..or what i want to try/explore/whatever it may be involves massive amounts of trust and equally massive amounts of vulnerability from both of us...and i think i pull back more...i will accept but not give as equally ..because of fear...im starting to slowly do different things..but i realize that for both of us..the nice, kosher, simple sex stuff isnt completely what is needed...and that doesnt concern me..i think it actually makes me feel a little bit better..knowing that im not completely hanging out in left field by myself because shame and guilt prevent me from talking about or asking about things that i like or dont like..

it really makes me think of the entire submissive role type things.....as much as i find the role appealing ..i dont think i am truly completely submissive...i like having the control..but i dont want it all of the time...i dont know...im trying to figure out where i stand on the whole submissive and control spectrum...i really think im afraid to give up control completely...which could be some of why i have a harder time with getting the end result and stuff...hmmm not sure ....