lack of control ...

i am pretty straight forwardly hiding out today..the weather is gross..im feeling depressed..i see no real reason to even get out of bed...i really dont....

cancelled my appointment to see the bh person today...i just am not up for filling out one of the assessments on how i am feeling ...im sure suicidal and depressed will not go over well....

once again i am forced to accept help from mommy...because i have no other choice....and i hate myself all the more because i cant say no..because i dont have the extra money for food and stuff...thankfully i am able to pay my rent without her help....but now the control that she has is switching over to food and what i can and cant eat or get at the grocery store..and im juts stupid enough to believe that if i cross some line..get something im not supposed to get..that she will know..and i will be in trouble...

i am supposed to be pricing a grocery list that she made for me...every single thing that i can get and is acceptable...she put on the list...told me to price it...told me that now that i dont have the money to buy whatever i want then that means i will be able to eat healthy and since i refuse to go back to being a vegetarian..then there are only certain things i am allowed to have....and it just makes me feel stupid ... that i am in this situation..that i cant even go to the grocery store without assistance because im obviously to stupid to even bother with making a proper list for the store...i really feel like just crying right now....i know i need to get food..and im trying to not go and get food because i need to make sure the rent is paid and the cats are fed...and i know letting mommy give me money for groceries and gas is going to come back heavily and bite me in the butt...it is....

and so the control changes but it is still the same...there is no real freedom for me right now i guess..and the sooner i realize that i am trying to fight a battle i cant win then i guess the easier it will be...

but i was told that im trusted enough to be able to go to the store and get what i say i will get....im just so glad i have that little bit of trust that means absolutely nothing to me...i wasnt going to ask her for money..i was going to go with my plan of sandwiches and noodles until i started working again...stupid me for voicing that plan out loud...it was very stupid of me...