stability

i think stability is very important to me...like i need for things to be a certain way..i need to know what to expect..what is going to happen..and when things are not like that then i start to spiral ....and i say that because even though right now things are still very difficult..and confusing..little things are beginning to become more stable...like i have a job..im taking my meds..im going to therapy...and my mind is losing some of its negativity...im not constantlly feeling like i am needing to die...i am still feeling the urge to hurt and all of that..and i thnk that right now im struggling with eating on a regular basis...ive begun using ice again as a meal replacement ... like during the week i am going at least 24 hours every other day i guess without eating..and then im starving and want to eat everything...not good..but in my mind it is the lesser of two evils...it makes me angry that i am feeling almost ok...or at least more manageable...and its just that i start thinking im ok and then i start messing up..and end up not being able to stay ok...self sabatage at its greatest..blah

but i guess i can try to make sense of what is going on..im working and am in the process of accepting the full time position..for a job that is very tiring and stressful...but a job i can almost like ... if i get the full time position then i will be able to have benefits...which i really do need...maybe ill be able to get my meds cheaper or something...

still living at the hotel and that is stressful by itsself..and my roommate is beginning to bring guys over and that makes me really uncomfortable..but am still in the hotel...trying to find housing and what not .. but the only place willing to even give me half a chance is going to charge me double the security deposit plus a months rent to move in...and im looking at that almost $1500 and it is making me crazy...and i really really wish i was able to live in a place where i felt safer ... but i guess that is not in the works for me...and that makes me sad and very very anxious...but i have to fill out the application ..since getting out of the hotel is important...i just dont know what to do...mommy mentioned seeing if she could help maybe but i dont want her to do that either...i dont know..i just hate not having a place to live..a real place with a real kitchen and privacy..and all of that....so i dont know...

on my being a mental case....i guess im beginning to calm down..still a lot of anxiety about things but the depression refuses to lift completely..and im just sad all the time...i dont know...