not thinking clearly

right now i dont feel as if i am thinking clearly...i keep trying to and i just end up more upset and frustrated and ready to juts scream and cry...i dont know how to get the words out for what is going on..and i feel like i am drowning in my own thoughts and my inability to speak and be understood..i want to throw things or have a tantrum and i feel like i need to sit on my hands to stop the feelings of having a tantrum...im really anxious today...i think ive been anxious since tuesday..and now im more anxious because i know that courtney is expecting an answer...she is expecting a legit answer and all i want to do is throw something at her head and tell her to leave me alone... because yes that is certainly how i can act my age :(  i dont know...i cant think or come to a decision on anything..i keep changing my mind..i keep getting angry and then i think that everyone is just telling me stuff and i think im feeling very paranoid ... i want to refuse help because i dont need it..because im fine..because i just want to be left alone...but if im left alone i will die...because all it takes is enough free time for me to convince myself that my thinking is right..that i deserve to die..that im not able to live this life..that im not cut out for this...on and on and on..it doesnt stop..ive screwed up..i keep screwing up...and there is no hope at all for me...not anymore...ive disappointed everyone there is to disappoint and now there is no point at all in doing anything..no point in trying...i want to say goodbye and be done with it..and i write this and even more stupidly ask myself when did i become suicidal?  when did it get this bad?  and still the most pushing thought is that i need to convince everyone else that i am fine...its important..i have to make them believe...and then i am mad when i cant express im having a hard time because i did so well convincing everyone that i am fine..im not fit for anything..i dont need to be an aunt..i dont need to be a girlfriend...i should be locked away like mommy told me...i should just be pushed into the hosptial and left to die or something...mommy was right...there really is something very wrong with me...im sorry im not good enough...and i think i need to just hide away or something for a while .  i cant deal with life and life cant deal with me....