processing...trying to process

i really am wishing i could remember things better...im already getting holes in my head from therapy today...its like i still try to protect myself from myself and that means forgetting...always forgetting...but yes i went to therapy today and i just wasnt feeling it at all..i didnt want to talk to her...or see her..and almost stopped waiting for her...but we talked about the appointment this morning with the gyno and i didnt go into a lot of details about it..but the basics..and then we talked about my phone call yesterday and how it made me feel and the outcome i guess..and it still amazes me that someone else is able to see just how much control mommy has over me..and i hate that...i told her that sarah is my girlfriend and kind of what we talked about last night and how my mind had worked things out...but she was on my side...that i could be upset and hurt..and that i didnt want mommy trying to control my relationship..and she asked me to write down my feelings about sarah..because i told her that i have my own thoughts and then mommy tells me something and its like what she says becomes my thoughts too and then i get lost and confused and unsure of what i want to do....she was right in that i am confident in my relationship with sarah..i am...im going to write it but i need another journal since i cant print right now....but it was actually ok...talking to the therapist...it got me thinking...but yeah it went ok yesterday

i left therapy and was in my car when mommy called and yeah i was immediately defensive...but she again brought up me and sarah and got around to asking if she had upset me with what she said....i told her twice during the conversation yesterday that she had hurt my feelings with what she said..and i told her that she was assuming all of this stuff...pretty much mommy thinks i need to date more and fiigure out what i want...and was ever so nice to remind me that i have never been in any other relationship...add in a few of course you can be with who ever you want, and i love you regardless...and i wanted to bang my head on the wall from frustration...i did tell her that i am not planning on getting married any time soon... i told her that i had already talked to sarah about the lack of my relationship experiences ... im not stupid...and even with a serious lack of experience i knew my fears before anything even started...but she apologized for hurting my feelings...and now im just hoping that the conversation will be done with...im not sure yet if i feel completely safe with all of it and dealing with her..but i will see... i guess i was slightly braver since this conversation happened right after therapy...im not sure i would have admitted anything otherwise..but mommy did say that nia didnt tell her anything..and that she wouldnt do that...so yeah...backing off a bit with everyone..until i feel safer again i guess...i dont want my personal life to become the topic of the month...but i am glad i didnt keep my concerns and fears to myself about it all...and im glad that i did end up asking for clarification i guess from mommy...even though i never would have done it at any other time...my feelings were really hurt though..and the assumptions that mommy has about me just doesnt make any sense...i really think she believes i dont know anything at all..and yes i have done my share of stupid stuff..like just plain bad decisions...but i guess that comes with the whole growing up and being an adult thing..but i just started out really late it seems...ill make all of my stupid mistakes now ..but i guess that is how it goes...i suppose at some point my 'bad years' that i didnt have as a teenager would come up..and i think that right now..i am completely in leave me alone and let me experience life phase...who knows...but at least i have a partner in crime !

and my appointment yesterday to see the gyno was disappointing ... well the ultrasound hurt..and i swear i was once again trying my hardest to move away from the source of the pain..which meant trying to go backwards up the table..because speaking and saying that i was being hurt wasnt an option..but trying to get away was..and of course the dang ultrasound lady keeps telling me to relax and im staring at the ceiling trying not to cry or move...it sucked...and then i found out from the doc that my mirena had fallen out of place...like the basics of it is ..the mirena is put in your uterus..at the opening ...mine had worked its way out of my uterus and was making a journey down my cervix...and that is like a big nono is mirena world...so the doc took it out..i dont think pushing it back up was a viable option and i probably would have had a melt down if she had suggested that...yuck..but my options now are to either go back on the pill or retry the mirena...and im not to keen on retrying the mirena..because it hurt a lot last time and well if my body managed to push it out once...im not sure trying a second time is the best idea....the doc did give me a med to look up info on and see if i want to try it...but mostly right now im afraid that my period will start and not stop and ill be back to dealing with the same issue...and i dont want that to happen...i really dont...i just want it to stop because i just dont like it...and the doc already told me that she wouldnt give me a hysterectomy...i asked her..i told her i didnt need anything that was down there...slightly different opinion now....but i could still do without the stupid period...but i have to figure out something because if my period restarts i am not going to be a happy person .... i prolly need to make another appointment at the clinic to see the gyno ppl and see what can be done...or maybe ill tell courtney that im gonna die if she doesnt get my birth control back for me...blah..

last night i will admit that i pretty much lost my mind...concerning a very interesting conversation that i had with sarah ...but the end result may in fact make the whole conversation worth it...i am completely embarrassed by what i inadvertently asked for..but well interestingly enough the half made result was accepted...which has had me ridiculously happy and unable to sleep...which is how ive managed to actually write all of this ...because i was done sleeping like almost 2 hours ago...maybe it is ok to ask for things...hmmm im gonna have to think about that a bit more..