today i was responding to something on facebook and realized another piece of why the s/i is suddenly so important....i really dont know how i havent managed to figure this out before now...
normally i work very hard to be okay, to appear ok, to be in control, to be fine and happy and managing because that is how it is supposed to be...but i do this so much that when things really arent ok i have a hard time admitting it, a hard time asking for help, a hard time even being able to acknowledge that things are not ok and that things are getting really bad....it takes me forever to admit it and if i am having to admit it to someone that i dont trust then it may not happen..and then i get so upset because it feels as if no one cares and no one notices that i am not ok and that i am hurting or struggling..and the only way to show that i am having a hard time is to s/i ..the worse the self harm the more i am struggling..because that can be seen...that can be addressed..that can be fixed...if i say i am hurting myself then there is obviously something else going on..then someone is paying attention to me, talking to me, trying to help me with whatever is going on...and again im not doing it for attention..its never about attention...its about the fact that i dont know how else to get help..or to have someone believe me when i say that i am not ok...
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