just another day

im feeling bad...mentally anyway...physically im just hungry..and tired...the mood swings are hellish today already...and i want to scream or cry or something and i dont know why..why am i getting so angry? so hopeless?  punishment comes in many forms...and i stupidly somehow forgot that when i am truly feeling this bad..that the ways to covertly punish myself start happening more and more often...and eventually it will turn into cutting or burning...but for now it is the low key stuff that is the problem...right this minute i can see it for what it is...who knows how long it will last...in a few mintues i may have a complete thought overhaul and suddenly everything is ok and it doesnt matter how much it may hurt in the long run..because there is nothing wrong with doing it...again my thinking centers on the fact that i am not hurting anyone else..so its ok...as long as no one knows what i am going to do then its ok...because my planning and thinking and current habits are all counter productive...and im currently feeling very very pissed off with my body..and i just want to cry and cant or wont ..im not really sure..if i eat i plan to throw up..if i cry i will cut...the irony is not lost on me..i thought i had managed to contain my thinking like this and stop it ..but it is back...i guess it will always come back...maybe ill stop taking the meds...no i have one more valium...maybe ill take that...and go to my stupid appointment ...i need back that other valium ...ill even ask very nicely for it...  i need to hide and shut up before i say or do something stupid ...