thinking...still worrying ...

im so worn out right now...worn out and worrying and stressing..and i feel so much shame right this minute...ive been walking around the hotel room in just a tshirt and underwear..so my legs are out..and well my legs are currently sporting some burn scars that have been peeling...and today she noticed them...i had actually forgotten them sort of ..but now ..there was a conversation and i am pissed to all sorts of hell that she actually said she would check me...that is not happening..and i told her it wasnt happening but i didnt say why..and then a call from mommy at the same time and so im feeling really stressed out right this minute...i mean yeah i could wear pants..but i dont like wearing pants when im feeling hot...the scars she knows about...the burns are new... -sigh- i am really very stupid...and i feel stupid .. and upset and corned .and i dont know...my thinking is going down really fast right this minute..and i suddenly just dont want to have to deal with anything at all right now..im tired and have a headache..and im angry...very angry..and i know and completely understand that sometimes its really hard for someone else to understand how hard it is to deal with mental illness and behaviors and all of that...and i know she is trying to be supportive..but like people who dont have the information or the experinece needed..some of her responses are hurtful...and its like i know that everyone has their own issues and stuff..and my issues are no more important than anyone elses...but i dont want to know that..or be reminded of that..because then it makes me feel as if what i am dealing with is not important..or that im over reacting or something...and maybe i am...but some comments just instantly take me back to things mommy has said to me and so it just hurts a lot and i cant react..because im trying so hard to prove that i am ok and that nothing is wrong and so me sitting and saying that something is wrong is a big deal..but i guess at the same time it is much harder to believe since i am always just trying to be positive and telling her to be positive..there just isnt any more for being negative ... not any room to show that i am being negative...but again it is my fault you know....just my fault...and i dont know what im doing anymore...ive picked my finger apart in the past like 10 mins...and i keep looking at it and know that its going to get infected...im trying to care..i am..but its hard right now..im thinking to much..i am still seeing courtney and liz tomorrow...maybe if i dont cancel...because right now i dont want to go at all..and im just freaking myself out..worrying about money and gas and all of that...i have to do laundry because my work clothes are just completely gross...so that leaves me 5 for gas..and i want to just scream in frustration..im tired of all of this...im tired of being asked what my plan is..right now i cant even make it through the day without feeling completely hopeless and upset ... i want to be done with everything and i cant...im trying not to give up...i really am...i need to get up tomorrow morning before my appt and do a load of laundry...