i am feeling incredibly sad right now..and have been for the past few hours...im hurt that once again my choices are being taken from me..one by one..and i feel like im just stuck watching it all happen around me...the issue of my relationship with sarah is the root of all of this...and information is being passed along and no one freaking knows the whole story..and no one will ask me..but everyone will tell me what they think i need to do or say or not do...why am i repeatedly being reminded that this is my first relationship? that i am becoming to involved, to consumed with one person...how is this different than anyone elses first relationship?? why is it so wrong for me to feel that someone else is important to me and that i care for someone else who is not family .... is it that im slipping away from all of them a little bit ..that i am going to someone else to talk to and for help ?? what is it?? this may be my first relationship but i have seen a lot of relationships..i have watched the outcomes of good and bad relationships...and i was always so very afraid of being hurt in some way that i stayed away from relationships...i stayed away from everyone because fear ruled me...but when i started talking to sarah something was different..i was ok talking to her..i told her i was afraid..that i didnt know what i was doing, that i hadnt been in a relationship..that i didnt know what i was looking for...we talked about my past and being hurt ..and why it is that i struggle with a lot of different things...and eventually..and very slowly it became physical too....me..i was positive that i would be alone..i had mommy telling me again and again that i am going to be alone and then tells me that i need to get out more and meet new people...so i started talking to sarah and it was ok...i met her even though i was scared and was able to see that she was safe..and that she listened to me...she understands my hurts, the scars, the tears...she listens to me when im not feeling safe and checks on me when i am being completely unstable...she has stuck with me through all of this mess that i have going on right now...she has already seen me at my worst and she is still there...she makes me laugh, and i dont feel like i have to pretend im someone else when i am with her...i can be myself and that is enough...and that is something that i am not able to have with many people...the fact that i have let her into my personal space is a very big deal...i dont like anyone touching me..and yet i ask sarah to touch me...even when i am afraid and if i ask her to stop she will...sarah has become important to me..and she makes me happy..and with everything that is currently going on and with everyone trying to tell me what to do and i have to keep reminding myself that this is my happiness..sarah is my happiness and no one can take that away from me...i hate that the doubts and confusion has been put in my head..but now i am feeling very clingy and unsure of myself..and im afraid that the stress of having everyone in our business is going to make her go away..and im just afraid ..and i want to reassure myself and her but i dont think i am doing a good job..i dont know how to make it right ... i just want to be able to make my own choice and right now my choice is sarah...no one has asked me why i want to be with her...and how can i even put into words that sarah is the one person who has truly stuck with me..regardless of how i am acting or not acting..if im talking or shutting down..she can make me laugh and then be serious with me..we talk about the future, the past and the present..i feel safe with her, and i feel safe with her being near me...it is an actual relationship..i am not her caretaker and she is not my mother...we talk through the difficulties and the issues and are able to regain trust and safety...sarah accepts me, and tells me that im beautiful and she knows that i dont think that..or even believe it..but she tells me all the same..we like a lot of the same stuff..we get along...taji and bounce like her...sarah is smart, and beautiful and she wants more for herself and for me...she has dreams and ambitions and things that she wants to do with her life...we fit together in a completely different way than i am with anyone else...this is a completely different relationship where i am able to be on equal ground with someone without getting the relationship warped or messed up because of past issues..when im afraid of something ..i talk to sarah about it...she is the one i turn to for support for love...and im sorry if no one else can see just how much it is that i want to be loved...how much i want to be accepted as i am..i had a talk with tramaine tonight after i got off of the phone ...and i mean we are in a hotel so yeah i knew she was listening...and she told me that i wasnt a loser...that it doesnt matter what anyone else says as long as i am happy....and in that moment i was truly glad that tramaine was here..because i really wasnt feeling very safe tonight...
im trying to be ok..im trying to think and not react..im trying so very hard to be confident and know that i am making the choice for me...doing what makes me happy for once in my life...and i can sit and listen to everything mommy wants to say and everything that yvonne wants to say...but why cant i experience what ever it is that i am experiencing and everyone leave me alone about it...i cant tell the future but im supposed to be living in the present...i need to stay in the present and live with what my life is now...and i dont want mommy to mess that up..
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