i wish i felt as if i was able to be safe

right now i am struggling.  a lot.  things have kind of fallen apart today and im scared and stressed out...and very suicidal..i had a plan and everything earlier...i had a couple plans..instead of doing anything i took the trazadone and went to sleep...and tried to cry quietly because i couldnt figure out anything else to do... i couldnt really stop the crying anyway...i wanted to be alone but tramaine is here and has been here all day..i wanted to be left alone and she wouldnt leave...i ended up falling asleep though and now im just feeling so out of it...im tired and not feeling good at all right now...im annoyed and irritated and just angry..at every thing....im mad at courtney and liz and im mad at myself and the fact that i got yelled at for an hour today..and the feelings of being a failure are taking over right now...more so than usual...the fact that i got food today from the clinic was so very embarrassing..and that was the first time i actually cried today...hmm maybe the second time because ithink i was crying a little bit once i figured out that courtney really wasnt there this morning...and i just felt stupid and forgotten...and then she came and i was mad and ended up not really talking to her about things..i filled her in a little bit...and i did agree to let her talk to the therapists there and see if anyone was available...i ended up getting a call and the appointment is for next monday...i saw liz and that was just hard because i was feeling really depressed and upset by the time i got to her..but then during the session she talked about making a plan for when she leaves and isnt there..and in my messed up mind i took it as she was leaving and so i really just stopped talking to her...and at the time i didnt realize i was shutting down..but she asked me to stop..told me that it was important for me to talk to her..but i was so so mad and hurt..i didnt want to talk to her anymore...i told her that i didnt like her anymore...and that i didnt want to talk to her...before i left i apologized because it really wasnt nice..and i felt bad...but all the same i told her i didnt like her..and i really couldnt explain how i was feeling at the time or why or anything else..i couldnt get past that she said she was leaving...i know she is leaving eventually but today hearing it and being asked what i thought was just to much to deal with on top of everything else...and i was shutting down...but i dont think ive ever had anyone tell me that i was shutting down...i dont remember...but liz asked me specfically to not shut down...and it was just weird having my behavior called out when i didnt realize exactly what i was doing..and verbally i wasnt saying anything but i guess nonverbally i was doing a lot...but got through that appt and then had to wait to see robert before leaving because he was the one in charge of the food bank stuff..and courtney had given him a message asking if i could get food..and i was embarrased and ashamed..and that made me feel even more like a failure...and when robert gave me a hug then i did start crying...i got home and was feeling really bad and was still feeling really tearful and upset and watching criminal minds made me cry even more..and then mommy called ..and pretty much yelled at me..for something that is entirely my fault but fixing the situtation makes looking at the next two weeks even harder and more stressful...i thought i would be able to manage..but i cant...and so tomorrow i will be relisting my computer...and this time i will have to push harder or something..and lower the price...but i wont be able to keep it...if i want to eat and have gas money..then ill need the cash...and i have no choice...and after i got off the phone with mommy then my plans for everything juts stopped...i cant do anything at all...no birthday for noa, no movies, shoot im wondering again if i will be able to even get my meds...i dont know..i really dont know...everything has been going through my mind..and when i started to think about cutting my wrist and taking all of the trazadone that i had...i didnt care..im trying to care..and i made myself go to sleep...i really dont know how i am going to get through the next few days...i dont even know right now how i am going to get through the night...im tired..and feeling very hopeless...and i cant seem to control the need to cry...i juswt keep thinking that i am done..that i give up...that there really just isnt a point to anything anymore..that i just mess up and screw up and trying to fix it makes everything so much worse..and its like im just crazy...that there is no hope for me..that trying to get by isnt working...i keep messing things up..maybe things will feel better tomorrow....i just dont know right now...i cant promise anything at all...i dont even know what to promise...i cant trust myself right now at all...