i couldnt sleep...ive finally given up on sleeping and im feeling rather sick and anxious at the minute...not to mention i have like two hours to drink enough that i will need to go to the bathroom again...yesterday is weighing heavy on me and the ones i would have talked to about it..i am not feeling to trusting towards...i talked to sarah but i know she is feeling really sad about it too...im not sure what else i can think about ..i already was worried about today and now my mind is running rampant on so many different issues..the clonazapan isnt working so well this time around..and it just makes me want to take more so that it will numb me out...especially today...
i dont understand what the point was though...why talk about me so much when im not even there..and i realize that is such a stupid question because mommy talks about me whenever she feels like it...and yes i have screwed up recently with money and things..but why talk about the one thing that makes me happy? and right now there isnt a lot that makes me happy. i fully understand my choices right now..and in the grand scheme of things.i would have liked to hope that mommy, nia and yvonne would have been able to see that sarah is the one good thing right now...when everything else has just fallen apart repeatedly its been sarah who hasnt gone anywhere, and who has been supportive and been everything ive needed..she lets me completely break down and doesnt laugh at me or tell me to stop or suck it up...and ive never had that...i dont want to have to let go of the one person who cares about me and how im feeling..who tells me im beautiful regardless of my own self hate...
if it gets to a point where i have to choose..i will pick sarah...no i dont want to lose noa in the process..but my family is just having to much control over me..and it needs to stop..because its not fair..and now it is hurting someone who i love and thats not ok...
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