today i am struggling ...

i just woke up feeling stressed today...and the longer i have been awake the more stressed i am feeling..i dont know what to do but the stress is starting to wear me down a lot and im beginning to feeling incredibly hopeless and upset and stuck with things..and maybe that is why i am feeling so trapped and upset all of the time..its because that no matter i do i am still stuck here and there is nothing that seems to be willing to truly work out and it frustrates me..im sick of looking for apartments and houses..i cant afford to be in the hotel but i cant afford to be any where else either..and that is what is frustrating me...i dont want to agree to go over and live in whitcomb when i kow that is an area that i am not comfortable with..the areas i am comfortable in wont accept my applications ..well wont approve my applications and i am getting worn out from all of this..i spend all of my time worrying and stressing and this week im not even really working and so im already worried about my next check and what i will be able to do or not do with it..there is at least $500 that i need for something ..well for two things and im very worried that i wont have the money i need for the hotel..and ive been thinking about having to move back to a hotel over by the airport because they are cheaper..and the whole situation just makes me want to cry..and i dont want to cry which means that what i want is to hurt myself in some way....and food isnt the way to do it because that is already an issue...it will be something else..and then i will just feel even stupider for not being able to keep myself safe enough now...i keep thinking that i will just go and take all of my meds...i wanted to take extra klonipin last night because i just couldnt sleep but i didnt ...but waking up today and just having to think and plan and try to figure things out has me feeling hopeless and tired of trying...and i dont know what to do anymore..i dont know how to be strong anymore for myself or anyone else...and im truly trying my hardest not to cry right now..because well im supposed to be the strong one for tramaine even..and im supposed to be the one with a plan and the one who knows what to do..and i dont..im just some lost person with no idea what is going on and i dont like that at all...i realize now that the one thing i havent talked about with the new therapist is what exactly my plan is supposed to be when i feel like killing myself ... i dont think i trust her enough to be willing to call her..but right now im not really sure who i can call or talk to or anything of that matter..all i want to do is cut really...some great example im setting..when i cant even keep myself safe ...and its not even trying to keep myself safe from anyone else..its me having to keep myself safe from me..and that is a fight that i lose on a pretty regular basis...and i had been trying ...i was trying hard..i was doing everything that i was supposed to do and still im stuck in this situation with no clear way out and now its like fine..someone has to be punished ..someone has to be hurt..because talking is not an option anymore...talking doesnt do anything..it doesnt help...and im just angry..very very angry and i dont know what to do with it ...and so it all just comes back to me being worthless and a screw up and wondering how in the world things have again gotten to this point and i dont know what to do about it...im done trying..i just want to give up..how is it possible to work and be homeless at the same time..how is it that i can go to work and never mention just how much i am struggling outside of work...no one wants to hear that...no one cares..i show up...i do my job and that is all that matters...and then i am left alone with my thoughts..and there is no escape from them..there is nothing left to try for when every single thing has just not worked out...how many times do i have to fail before i can give up??