reacting...-sigh-

i dont know what all has happened today...and maybe it is just the stress from the past few days catching up with me...but i am feeling very angry today...well since being off of work..i think i may have been angry at work..i dont know..but i got off and my mood just dropped..and it may have been i hadnt eaten today and was tired..and hungry..and maybe my sugar was low..ok so i need to stop skipping meals...but just a stressful day at work and feeling sick and tired and having to drive across town and worrying and stressing and feeling like a flat out failure...and just reacting badly right now to things...im feeling trapped..and i have to think of a way out and im just feeling the stress...and its piling up..and i cant get my meds and im just ready to fall apart and i just cant.  i have to work and i have to live and i have to stay positive for sarah and tramaine and nia and mommy ... there just is not any time for me anymore.  i have to be strong because there just is not any other option...and im trying to keep my struggles to myself...and outside of a very small handful of people..no one knows just how lousy things are right now..that i dont have a place to live..that ive been out of work ..and its an even smaller handful that knows i dont have my meds and im not in therapy..and that i prolly got hired at the most triggering of jobs and that im determined to stick it out...but that im being triggered..and it took until today to realize that i am in fact being triggered..and that i am not destressing...i cant relax..my body refuses to relax..and my back hurts and im tired and cranky and want to hit and yell or do something...im angry and i dont know what has caused it..i cant drive lately without getting pissed off..i cant be around anyone lately without getting pissed off and i can tell that i am beginning to become more reactive...and then i get alone and cant control my impulses...and i just stay stuck in whatever cycle it is that i am currently stuck in...i dont like i am currently feeling.  i dont like being angry.  i dont like being impulsive..i dont really like myself right now...im tired of struggling..im tired of everything..and maybe it is my mood talking...but i realize that each day im moving farther away from the small bit of mental stability that i had with the meds...and its beginning to happen more frequently..the anger..the impulsiveness..the not thinking things through...the negative thinking...its all much harder to deal with...but i am supposed to deal with it.

i will stop complaining now...