just triggered and floaty

i dont really think that my head is working correctly right now....i dont know...the training material today was hard for me to deal with...just because it was about trauma, how kids deal..how it affects them..how it affects other people...how the past and all of that can cause all sorts of issues if not handled currently from a staff standpoint.... i am the staff...i am supposed to have these kids best interest at heart..and that is not the part that worries me...what worries me is being able to deal with there stuff and my stuff..because i know i will be asked about the scars on my arms..i know i will be questioned to death by the kids..and it is just plain and simply put that my issues mirror some of their issues so closely that i am afraid i will lose focus and do something stupid..and i dont know how to explain my concerns to anyone at work because im afraid that i will lose my job...because i cant deal...and i dont want that.. i understand completely what my issues are for the most part ...and that is the problem..i sat there today..and just couldnt stay focused on what she was talking about..or retain any of the information...i kept getting weird ringing in my ears...i was probably dissociating really badly and of course that was a topic too...-sigh-  i dont know what to do...i know i can do the job..ive done it in the past..and each time i am a little bit more stable with it...but this is diffferent...this feels like it is my last chance to prove that i can do my job...that im worth something...but again ..i really dont know..because i know i will shut down...that i cant take all of my concerns to work with me because i am supposed to be the professional..the one who can deal..the one who can relate and still stay separate from it....but again it is the past that haunts me...and listening to it..listening to the effects, to mirroring..the issues that come along with children who have been traumatzed and abused and it makes me so very sad...because i wasnt able to get help as a kid and i grew up and still dont understand the way the world works..my past still affects me on a daily basis...ive done thearpy..i understand the congnitive distortions, i know i have boundary issues, and trouble with the whole black and white thinking....all things i know about my self...all things these kids are dealing with...and it just makes me afraid that i will fail...which is learned helplessness in all its fine glory...another topic that we spent quite a bit of time on today...and all the information is stuck in my head with no where to go...im trying to contain my thinking and how im feeling and im not so sure that i am doing a very good job with it...

and i figured out today that i am trying to attach myself ...to the lady doing most of the training...what fun ..not only am i completely crazy..im already trying my hardest to find ways around boundaries already...to have my own needs met...and not getting them met juts leads to other behaviors that i really dont want to focus on right now....because none of them are healthy in any way at all..and none of them are beneficial in any way...and it is my need is all of its mixedupness..and continue to try and get and cant have and so it just messes with my head and keeps messing with my head...

i think ill go and lay down for a bit...