today was the 3rd day of training and i completely over slept this morning....like woke up at 8 and was supposed to be at work at 8:30..and had a 30min drive in front of me....ugh..so this morning didnt get off to a great start..i hate being late and feeling rushed...i really do...and so i just felt kind of behind for most of the morning.... the training was on sexually acting out youth...not to be confused with adult sexual offenders...because in virginia children can not be classed as sexual offenders at all...at 18 that rule changes...but until 18 these kids are not called sexual offenders even though they may have victims and what not...so i did learn that this morning...but it was the details that got me..half of the time i couldnt even read the darn power point...my eyes kept going all fuzzy...and its like geez its been a while since i have had to actively not be able to deal with something and go out of my way to just not take in the information...because it was bringing up to much of my own stuff..and it was all getting mixed up in my head...and so yes i was dazed out for most of the morning...barely spoke at all during this training ... after lunch was a little bit easier ..but the morning training effectively had me thinking all over the place....got out a little bit early today though..and was able to come home without getting stuck in traffic...
mommy found out about her account and well yes i got the lecture i was expecting..but she did wire me some gas money...and i was able to get a few things from the store...but the whole situation makes me feel like such a loser .... like once again i cant manage anything at all and that i am just struggle to make it through each day..and all i can think about is how to survive another day..and to figure out where ill be going or how im gonna get money for gas or food and when ill be getting paid again and what not...now as the month is passing the half way mark im worrying about where im going to live..what is going to happen next month...so on and so forth... as much as i try i cant escape the anixety and depressing thoughts...im tired of going to training and having to listen to stories about the kids and what behaviors they are showing ...i dont want to hear about the kids who are cutting, or the trauma...after 3 days of it..im just to triggered on a personal level to be any good to anyone else ...im to tired in the evenings to do anything but just lay down and try to calm down...
i guess im managing on without the meds...i can tell the difference though...and of course im now thinking of if i even want to start them again...because im managing ... right ... no i dont want them..i cant afford them...lucky me cas everything is just sucking right now..maybe i should give courtney a call and see if she can help...i know kind of not to completely trust my thinking right now...but my ideas that i come up with are completely doable in my head..im fine and dont need anything at all...i can ignore that i dont have money for anything..and that i literally an using change to just get a drink during the day because that is all i have..but whatever...it could be worse...i try not to focus on just how much worse it good be..i dont want to give the universe any ideas for throwing something else at me to deal with right now...i got a small thing of cat food today too...i cant let them starve...but as time goes on...the more its like ok..i cant come first right now..i dont need anything....the cats need things more because i have to take care of them...that makes sense doesnt it? i am thinking clearly arent i? yeah either way i look at it though i am still a loser .. and im just trying not to let anyone know that...well not let anyone know that i am thinking that..because it will get me no where...with anything..so ill keep my thoughts to myself ... i have to keep everything to my self so that no one will figure out that im cracking apart...that as each day passes i just become a little bit quieter...a little bit more withdrawn...i force myself to get up..and just pretend im ok during the day and then hide all night ... i can tell how tense i have gotten in the past couple days...my back hurts..my neck hurts...i cant relax pretty much..i feel more aware of anyone being in my space...and a lot of things are juts getting to me...i dont know why..i just feel bad and its affecting everything again...im tired..and i dont really think im suicidal ... but i guess im closer than i have been...or maybe im just back to where i was..i really dont know...the thoughts are coming a bit ..but havent reached the overwhelming point yet...how sad is it that i just get so upset that i cant even afford to go and get razors...yeah i can use other stuff if i had to...and it really isnt that hard to break open a shaver and take out the blades...but that is an act of desperation..and i am not there yet...im afraid i will begin to seriously relapse and it will just be bad...very very bad....
i dont know what i need right now...maybe ill go ahead and take the dang trazadone and go to sleep...at least then im not actively thinking about anything...
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