just tired

tonight i am tired...my brain hurts..my body hurts...for a couple reasons..and im slightly dreading the restraint training tomorrow...handle with care..but yes..either way it will involve restraints...and that just makes my head hurt...today was cpr and first aid..and in my illogical mind..we got to the part on first aid..and which part did i perk up on ???  burns...if i cursed now would be the oppurtune moment for it ..because as i sat there thinking about burning and how it can be done quite easily...and how that would be better than cutting...i went through the entire thought process..i had the entire plan worked out...and it took less than 30 mins to get it planned out...i thought of how and where and why and with what...very quickly..no i havent done it...but the thoughts are there... i had actually completely forgotten about burning ... i had..its been so long..but looking at the material today on how to treat burns and i was right back to where i was almost 8 years ago..willingly giving myself 2nd and 3rd degree burns for the hell of it.because it hurt..because it wasnt cutting ... because burns are easier to hide..and dont require the same amount of attention....because i cant seem to control myself and let the thoughts go..

again things are just overwhelming and disappointing... was denied the apartment ... and i want to scream in frustration...because its getting to where i will be out of time and need to move like now..and its like...sorry...no place to go...and im worrying that i will end up going to an area where i dont want to be..or have to look outside of richmond ... and im just running out of time and no real idea of where else to look..its tiring ..and stressful...and disheartening ...

talked to mommy a few times today and my brother is making some really bad choices right now..and now i cant really manage money all that great...but i dont have 3 children..and i want to just shake the two of them and make them get a clue about what they are doing ...sigh...but again they are both adults ..and they are responsible for those boys ... and even though i hate it completely..im not in a situation at all to help them..right now i cant even help myself ..

and so i guess im just feeling frustrated...and worn out..and trying to figure out how im going to make it ... i really am....i havent been feeling to good today though....not much fun ...