once again im having to remind myself that things right now cant be done...like if im stressing myself out about a place to live knowing i dont have the money right now to do anything..isnt going to help me in the long run...so after freaking out..im trying to get myself to slow down and to think...thats one of my current problems ... im not thinking things through...i can barely keep my head on one topic...ugh...so i need to slow myself down..which means for now i need to focus on going to work..getting to work...gas and food money..and taking care of the cats...that is my focus...next week when i have money..i will be able to go look for a place to live...ive been emailing around and what not and i realize that my mistake is depending or trying to depend on other people to help me with getting the money..and unfortunately that is not going to work..its to stressful and i dont like being in debt to anyone else right now...mommy is enough...i have stopped myself numerous times from asking nia to let me borrow money...she knows my situation..but she has noa and a family and all of that to support...right now im just hoping i can make it to next week...i will be getting a little bit of money tomorrow..and that will be used for gas money and cat food....the being hungry...well im juts gonna have to get used to that...until things are better...that is just how it has to be for now...i can eat at work..so that will have to do..im trying not to drive much so that i will be able to keep gas in my car for as long as i can....im trying my hardest to manage on nothing right now..without asking for help..because no one can help me...so that leaves me depending on me..and doing what i can...so no im not complaining...just stating the obvious i guess...
ive been thinking off and on about what mommy said to me the other day...and i was upset and angry and depressed about it...and slowly i have been able to come up with a different plan i guess..one that works for me....no i am not going to miss noa's birthday party...no i am not going to miss out on my cruise..and no i am not going to be stuck in richmond doing nothing at all just because mommy is so sure that i will be giving her all of my money i guess..i dont know..but im not going to do what she wants...im not going to go into some hole all alone and die just because she tells me too...that isnt going to work...i dont do a lot of stuff you know..i dont really take initiative with trips and what not very often..and so for her to come along and try to take away my small moments of happiness is just not ok..its not ok at all...yes i am technically back to working..and so yes i will be getting paid again..and yyes there are bills i need to catch up on..yes i need to take care of the cats..and live..and move.and work..but i am not putting my life on hold...not anymore...its not fair for her to ask/tell me what she did...but she did tell me..and i worried about it..and thought about it..and talked to sarah about it...and it wasnt until i was looking up information today on the lion king..that i realized that just because i want to do things and go places ..that doesnt make me a bad person...yes i can work on saving and paying her back and everything else i have to deal with ..because that is just the way life goes...she will not keep control of me....its not going to work...so yeah ive been doing a crap load of thinking today..about everything going on....
ive been thinking about my current behaviors and i realize they are not ok...well i admit they are not ok....it needs to stop..and it will...how i dont know yet...but it will have to stop..i wont be any good to anyone if i am actively hurting myself..and yesterday when i was talking to sarah i realized that no i dont want noa to model after me in the behavior section...i will do anything in my power to protect her and keep her safe..and if i cant even be safe with myself..what does that say to her?? for me..im not able to hide all of my scars...and no the scars wont fade away..and so at some point noa will ask..she will want to know...im sure at some point juts like curvon and his sister did..noa will want to know what happened...and i wont lie to her..but i want to be able to tell her that i am better...that i am okay. i want to be able to let her know that i can understand and love her and will be there for her..that im not going to disappear or die or anything like that...right now things suck..and if i have to tape that damn list of coping skills on the freakin wall ..then i will..i will not keep hurting myself..and yes it is so much easier to say it than to do it..but no..i will get better...i dont want the shame and guilt to stick around and smother me...if it means the meds fine..if it means going back to therapy..then fine...i know i need to WANT to stay alive for myself..but until i believe that then i will use everything i can to fill in that empty space with wanting to be alive for others..noa and sarah and yvonne and curvon...my life is not empty..not the way i tend to get myself to believe it is... i do have friends and people who care about me... i need to work on getting myself together..and getting stable..and being able to live however in the world i want to live... pretty much..its time for me to own up to my adult self...to be an adult...to live in the present and not the past or get so caught up with the future... little steps ...one thing at a time..one day at a time...crap 30 mins at a time if that is what it is going to take..for me to get my act together...because yes the cruise is still on for september..and i need to of course remember that i need to go ahead and work on getting the rest of the money in for that throughout june so that it doesnt get overwhelming...but just talking about the cruise means bathing suits...something that i have only recently started to get accustomed to..and i am still so very ashamed to wear a bathing suit knowing that i am covered in scars...but i dont want to miss out... i dont want to hide and not have fun...i love being in the pool..and while i may never be ok wearing my bathing suit without a shirt over it..i will wear my bathing suit...the scars arent going anywhere...so that means dealing with the fact they are there...and if i am ashamed then i am just setting up for other people to be ashamed for me..be ashamed of me...and its not about them and its really not about shame either...its a behavior..its not something that makes me good or bad...it is a behavior...and that means i can learn to manage without it... but again..that means a whole heck of a lot of effort on my part...
tomorrow is my 'first' official day of work...im nervous about it..very nervous...and since i will have to be up at like 5am ! i know i need to go to bed early tonight...and i know i need to figure out something to eat in the morning...but no ..i cant stress out about it...i wont stress out about it...
but im feeling really tired right now...maybe that nap i have been putting off all day can happen now?!
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