getting triggered

its been a while since ive managed to trigger myself on purpose.... because of the reaction..because of the need to feel something ..anything...because i want to stay out of my head for a little bit. because i dont know..it works ... when did giving myself burns become so ok again...i remind myself that i dont have razors and so not cutting is ok..but burning really isnt better ..i know this..why do i keep forgetting this ? nothing else matters...the stress of everything is just i dont know..i have a headache..it is very systemmatic..getting triggered on purpose...i know what will do it..and its either books or movies that will do it..and today i guess my choice is movies...youtube is great for having cliips of the most triggering parts of movies...and then i just make it better and watch them over and over and over...