im trying to decide if i will keep my appointment tomorrow...to see the bh lady...i dont think i will..i would prefer to just hide and sleep and pretend  that i dont exist..that nothing exists..that life is over and done with...i have to get myself together between now and wed...and it will most likely be wed morning when im heading in to work that i will be getting myself today...because right now i just dont know what it will take..and i dont want to think about what it will take...because of how i am thinking...my decisions right now are probably not the best thing to be trusting..i dont know..right now i just have a miserable headache and im trying to think of things to do to distract myself..because if i stop and think then things juts go downhill much faster...because i was in the kitchen thinking about ice..because im in my room thinking about breaking apart a shaver thing..because im already trying to figure out what i can wear to hide whatever it is that i plan to do that i just dont know about yet...my head has skipped ahead so far that im thinking way off into the future about things that i want to happen now...i do want to give up...and i am having to really stop myself from trying to puush everyone away from me... i really do have to talk myself out of what i want to say..and more so stop myself from posting anything that will show honestly how i am feeling...sitting on that edge again..between safe and unsafe..and the edge is getting smaller and smaller and there really isnt much of a safe side left...but there is plenty of space in the unsafe side...i dont want to have to talk about how im feeling or anything related to how im feeling or whats going on or anything of the sort..i dont have anything to say..and im feeling to tired to convincingly lie about it...i dont want to end up being forced back into therapy..or forced to see courtney or anything else..if i dont show up then i dont have to talk and can just stay in bed and pretend the world is no longer a place that i am involved in..i no longer have anything at all to say and i have no interest in trying to figure out what i have to say..

back to laying down..im tired of writing and thinking