my thinking really is going back and forth a lot right now..and once again it is another night of sitting up half the night awake because i cant sleep...how did i go from being able to sleep at just about any time..to not being able to sleep at all...if i take the trazadone yes ill go to sleep..but i dont like that i just 'go' to sleep...one minute im awake and the next im dead to the world...i would kill for a darn clonazapan ... i just would like the tension is my back to ease up just a little bit...the ability to relax is becoming a foreign topic... because im just stupid i am helping my old coworker with her notes for a little bit of money...i cant afford to say no...and i truly hate that im even in a position that i have to say yes...because i really hate having to write notes..but anyway...told her i would help her..so i will..and that will be gas money for the week at least..if nothing else...maybe cat food or something...i have to figure out what i need and what i can put off...its so embarrasing that i really have to figure out whether or not i can afford stupid girl stuff because my body has lost its damn mind and im pretty positive ill bleed to death any day now.. but im sick of looking for places to live..im tired of worrying myself to death about how to pay back mommy...now i dont know exactly what to do about noas birthday party trip...because it is really important to me that i go...and sarah too...but then there is the issue of meds, and moving, and bills, and my car having issues ...and all of it just makes me want to scream...im seeing the little wormies on taji again and i just want to scream in frustration..so that is a trip to the vet...which needs to happen...and they need a check up anyway..and everything is running together..and im losing it..literally feels like im losing it..today i ended up at sarahs and i was fine for the most part..able to sorta get outside of my own worries for a little while..but at the same time ..its like im laying there just thinking and going back and forth and planning and not planning and it was as if i could literrally feel my control slipping away from me..it had become a tangible thing..i could feel it..and i could feel it getting farther away from me..and the farther it got..the more my thinking became irrational and mixed up...and even though i felt incredibly stupid..i told sarah that i could feel it slipping away...it makes me feel crazy...and ive been thinking all day about the bhb appointment tomorrow..and ive told myself im going and not going a million times..and still i cant decide...part of me wants to go..a big part of me wants to avoid it...im not ready to talk just yet ... and i think i should prolly call courtney first anyway..since she can actually help me..although i prolly dont want her help either right now..and im not making very much sense..i dont think im making sense right now..im just writing and im tired and cant sleep and i want to do a million things but im tired..and again..cant sleep and i only want to sleep...im never up this late...but this is like the third day in a row im up after midnight..doing absolitely nothing ..i cant spell when im sleepy...i keep forgetting what it is that i was going to write about.. oh the burning...yeah it needs to stop..i need to stop..and right now it feels like i cant ..like i have no choice..and for a little while earlier today i felt awful..so very awful about what ive been doing...what ive done...and im ashamed of myself...very ashamed..that i am back to this point..where burning is ok..its better than cutting..its easier..and so on ...i think about it and want it and dont want it all at the same time...today i cried i was so overwhelmed and upset..but i didnt burn myself...is that even a good thing?? i know i have to go day by day right now..but no one has the time to deal with me falling apart multiple times a day....im aggravating my leg majorly..and i feel even more stupid by the fact that i burned my leg..and i forgot that im wearing a dress this weekendd...and they wont be able to be covered up....stupid me...somehow i completely forgot.and it wasnt until i was ccoming home tonight that i even realized it...two more weeks..and maybe it will ease up...maybe longer because getting back on them will be hell .. damnit
sleep may be a good idea .... cramps will be the death of me
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