confusion....

the parent child relationship ...is a mind blowing concept to me..and i think it always has been..the ability for a parent to love and care for their child more than anything else in the world..maybe because i never that...maybe that is what makes it so overwhelming to me...and then to be in the field i am and to see parents who do not want their children..and who dont care for their children..and its hard to see..hard to watch...the parents who curse at their children ..toddlers like they are grown adults..it is heartbreaking....

my relationship with mommy is screwed like 50 ways past crazy..its is some crazy dependent type relationship..control and lack of control and just not being able to see myself as an adult with her....but for all of the relationship flaws i know she will help me if she can...i may not want to ask or accept the help because it comes with a price ..but she will help....  now i have limits ..that i most likely developed myself as to what i will and wont ask for from her..and sometimes it can be that i have nothing and just refuse to ask her because its just so time consuming and worrisome and difficult to deal with...and so sometimes she or nia has to pull things out of me to get me to admit i need help...that being said i am also an adult...again an issue that i have difficulty with accepting..but i know that i have to take care of myself..that i dont want to be this old and living at home or depending on mommy to take care of myself ...no in my mind.working is freedom and my ticket to not go back home..because my life is no longer at home..because i will kill myself if i have to live at home... and this year...well since last September..and i lost my job...things have juts kinda gone downhill...and i havent been able to find any stability in this time frame...not real concrete stability...and so it has been a struggle...and i have had to think of plans and ideas and just ways to keep going .... mommy helps ..but i dont depend on her...i borrow when i cant help it..and always with the stipulation that i will be paying her back....so i guess it just all comes down to saying that i know what the limit is ...

my brother is the real reason for this particular post though..and i just want to strangle him...ok my older brother who has a freaking girlfriend and she has three kids...he claims the kids you know..they are in a relationship and the kids just are a part of the deal...my brother has been bailed out of issues more times than i can count...and he is currently in another one..and is using mommy pretty much to get what he wants..and mommy to her credit is trying to help..but she is going to get the short end of the stick if she gets them an apartment in her name...which she cant afford at all...but my brother is not doing what he needs to do inorder to plan for them being evicted..it is a situation that they have had hanging over them for the past month or so ?!  and still they dont have a plan...technically both him and his girlfriend can work..and they wont ...there are 3 children that need to be taken care of and they are all looking at being homeless..and that really bothers me... yes i have been homeless in the past few months and i am about to be homeless again..but i have a plan...i dont have children depending on me...i am working and if i wasnt working i was looking for a job...i wasnt sitting aroudn and waiting to be saved..i cant do that ... i have to depend on myself you know...for things like this anyway...and so he is doing his damnest to get mommy to once again bail him out..and mommy may complain and threaten and yell and scream..but in the end...she will bail him out..and he is not grateful..he is expecting it..and i know he knows as well as i do what mommy is currently up against money wise..and i know he knows she doesnt have it..and that she doesnt need to have an apartment in her name...not with the house almost being foreclosed on..come on...no i am not in a situation to help anyone right now..but i know that when i start getting paid that i will have to be expected to give mommy money until i can pay her back....but that is what i got into when i knew i would be asking her for money...and my brother is just refusing to see the bigger picture in all of this and  i really want to just hit him..the situation makes me really upset..he knows better...mommy has worked for everything she has...growing up all she did was work..but she still did all the parent stuff...and he knows this...but he is using her and that makes me mad ...

yeah we all may sit and talk about things in the past..but not in a hurtful way..some things are funny..and the unfunny things arent really brought up..but again we are all different and i guess we all remember things differently too... but mommy is mommy and you just dont advantage of her...

and i guess it just confuses me that this makes me so upset ..when most of the time i just want her to leave me alone and to stop treating me like im stupid...but then something like this goes on and its like ..no its not ok..and you need to not do this....i dont know...i talked to nia and mommy today for a long time about it all..and told her not to do the apartment for them...i told her not to let them move back home when she is possibly looking at having to move out herself...we have had that house for 23 years or so..and before that it was grannies house....so to be on the verge of losing the house is sad all by itsself but i can understand that the 3 boys will destroy the house..they did the last time they stayed there..not to be bad but because they are children and they touch stuff and move stuffa nd want to play..and mommys house isnt really a playing house anymore... no my brother needs to grow up and figure out what he is doing...because this is just not ok...