i had weird dreams...i thought i was watching a movie...but waking up i think i realized that it wasnt a movie...sorta of had a fairy tale theme...one princess type person which was me i guess...gigantic house...snow...flying or something or else like it...being locked up and having to find a way out...that sort of dream i guess ...it was stuck on repeat...i kept going through it ....same thing..maybe little timy changes each time..maybe i was better at escaping...im not really sure....
i think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed today...im hurting both physcally and mentally and i just want to hide...i dont want to deal today..i dont want to be around anyone at all..i dont feel very good and i just want to sleep...the urges to go and burn myself area really strong..i dont want to talk or be near anyone at all..the need to protect myself is strong...but i will fail at that today..because i have to be touched and held and restrained ..and just thinking about it almost makes me cry ...i dont want to do it..and it makes me feel like a child throwing a tantrum...i really dont have a choice..i have to do it...i have to do something to get myself together and i dont know what it is ... i cant think it through this morning...maybe i should just come back home today..im really on edge..and i want and dont want comfort all at the same time...given i cant get it...my goal today is to just get through the training without crying i guess...i think i should make my lunch today...my head is mush and my thinking is going so very slow right now...i better get up though...i dont think im feeling to on top of things today...
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