i know whats wrong...

since im having a small moment of clarity..im going to try to write this before i manage to lose my mind again...

this past week has been very triggering..just the information..the restraints..the role playing scenarios...the talking and more talking about cutting and trauma and how it effects kids and adults..how it can so easily be triggered...etc...just being so tired and not able to think things through as much...my thinking has gone back to being incredibly impulsive..which is how i managed to burn myself repeatedly the other day and not really care to much about it...im actually sadder that it didnt scar...and because it didint my thinking about doing it has just been nonstop...one method doesnt give me the relief i am looking for and so i have to do something else..something that will give me what i want..and i know what i want to do..it really just is a matter of when i do it..but anyway...whats wrong...

in the past week...yes i have had a lot of information thrown at me and a lot of thinking and remembering ...and the part of all of it that i wasnt acknowledging was just how jealous i was about the fact that yes these kids are in treatment..but these kids are being cared for. supported. lsitened too...they are safe...and even though it is a treatment place...at teh end of the day its not about the behaviors..the fighting.the aggression..its that these are kids that are in a place where their behaviors are just screaming that something else is going on...there is something they need help with...they are visibly, either verbal or nonverbally saying that something is wrong...and then there are people...a lot of people..who respond ..who help..who listen..who help get the kid to calm down...and as much as i may not want to admit it..i am so so jealous.. because i didnt get that...because i did so well at hiding and lying and all of it..that i grew up and had to stay where i was..and there was no escape or help or anything..and i dealt with it..by myself..because there was no one else there..because there was no one to ask for help..there was no one for me to go to for help..and so i grew up in some ways..but not others..and now im still having to pay for my past...i know i shouldnt complain...but its just not fair .. i had to stay...and now im all screwed up in so many ways..and have to work so hard to deal with life and the world and live when i really dont feel as if i fit in anywhere at all...

during the training..the lady who did most of it was a very hands on person...and so on the first day filling out the medical forms..i was honest...even though i didnt want to be and put down what im being treated for..medical and mental..i wasnt fired on the spot..so i guess thats something..but throughout the week..more so on the last couple days...because of it being more hands on or whatever..she would come over and just randomly touch my shoulder or back..given each time it was for a reason...but in my mind it was comforting..because i was feeling some sort of not ok or slightly out of it..and she would most likely be explaining something i didnt want to hear anyway..but yeah..it was comforting.. touching my back is completely different than touching me anywhere else...it doesnt get a fearful response..vs touching my arm or face or chest or whereever...at the time of course i dont think i was able to identify it as comforting...but yesterday when i was able to let sarah know that i liked when she touched/rubbed my back...it was comforting...and safe..given when im with her im not afraid ..but i guess with having so much trouble


one phone call fro mommy and my whole day is going downhill...i was very nicely told that i need to work on paying mommy back ..and not think about going to noa's birthday in july ..because i have to pay mommy back..and of course i need to eat more vegetables and less meat and what not....what not  to do ... etc ... i just am going to lay down ...