whirlwind

so much is on my mind right now...im worried and nervous and overwhelmed..and there are so many different things going on that i dont even know where to begin...

im worried about myself, and being safe...im worried about sarah and her being safe too..im worried about taji and bounce, im worried about working and money and my current living situation..and it feels like all i do lately is worry...and earlier today i was thinking that the depression is winning..that i juts am feeling so hopeless and so concerned that i dont know what to do with myself..and i would have continued to feel sorry for myself had tramaine not come and made me get up and go walking with her...i had to explain to her tonight what depression was..not for my benefit but for hers so that she would be better able to support her boyfriend...i wanted to open up more...i wanted to truly explain why it is that asking mommy for money is such a big deal..or why it is that i get so upset with her..or not being able to talk to her...i couldnt explain why and i ended up coming across sounding like a spoiled child..the fear of telling mommy that the bank acct is overdrawn is alive and well and i cant explain that to anyone...i dont want to see courtney because im afraid that she will tell me that she cant help me..i dont want to get dependent on the meds but i dont think they are helping...and in a week or so i will have to come off of them any way until i have the money to get them filled again..and that will be a lovely happy time, im sure...im dreading it..i know i will be sick and then suicidal and then do stupid things and well i guess life will go on...and i will once again juts be a failure...im trying so hard to be positive and i just dont feel it...i wake up in the morning and im almost sad that im still alive...there is no joy unless im with or talking to sarah...i can pretend enough with tramaine..and pretending with nia and mommy...but mommmy of course took the info i gave her and ran with her..and now im sorry i ever said anything to her about the living situation..because now she is pushing and being repetitive and demanding..and i am getting upset and more stressed out about it all...because she is really making me feel as if i dont care about taji and bounce at all...i would die if anything happened to my cats...i love them more than i love myself...crap right now i dont even like myself...ugh...

i saw the bh lady today and ended up talking a bit about my mommy issues...and that is a topic that if brought up..i have a very hard time letting go of..because with the conversation comes the thoughts and yearning and wants for a mother..to feel safe and cared for and loved...and the rejection that comes with that is very hard for me to deal with...i can i explain just how hard it is to be my age and still feel like such a child at times..needing so much guidance and attention and well yes my jealous spikes horribly in these situations..and i prefer to not think about it..because bringing it up makes me feel so very alone..so very lost...but it did come up..and on the heels of that i was informed that my labwork is continuing to be not good and my mood just fell and refused to be picked up today..like i said..i can fake it ..but i feel that i am lost in my thoughts..and there is no way out...im afraid to acknowledge just how much i need someone to talk too...but again the results of the last therapist have broken me to the point of where i am truly afraid ... that i cant be helped..that im just broken and useless and a waste of space..

and yes im in a very negative mood right now..im sad and struggling and i dont know where else i can go...because again i am noticing that when i get this overwhelmed..i want to sleep..i want to sleep to avoid...i want to sleep because my waking hours are plagued with thoughts of cutting or how to die or why i want to die..and how easy it would be...i would rather sleep and ignore the thoughts..i dont want them..because it is so easy to fall into their trap..and get sucked in and not be able to get myself back out...silence protects me from myself..but the more that piles up against me..the more i can juts feel myself crumbling under the pressure...and then i have to work hard to remember that noa and curvon need me alive...i cant let myself forget that...sarah, yvonne, and nia need me..taji and bounce need me...i cant die..no matter how i might try to convince myself otherwise....i cant...

maybe i do need to talk to courtney... -sigh-   im tired is hiding what im really feeling which is im suicidal ... crap