mixed up ramble

things are not feeling as hopeless and upsetting anymore..i have to admit writing did help this morning although i really just wanted to cut by the time i had really thought about everything..and it just so happened i wasnt at home or anything and i couldnt do it...but still a lot a been on my mind today ...thinking about everything and being home and money and finding a job and doing something so im not stuck at home..and well just lots of stuff..no answers for anything and that sucks all the more...im getting some paint stuff for christmas and there are enough magazines laying around that maybe i could work on some collages here..maybe it will help some..it helps me focus.. cant hurt and i have to put at least some effort into trying ... and then i can cut later and not feel so guilty....went and saw national treasure 2 tonight and it seriously was a great movie..it had my attention the entire time and we liked it a lot..still cant really believe christmas eve is tomorrow..and my niece is staying with us for the night and ive already been told ill have to be up and awake in the morning to watch her after mommy leaves for work..you know i would love to be asked these things before its just assumed ill do it because im here...but anyway im doing that in the morning and then tonight one of the headlights went out on my car and one of my signals is all weird and not working and it makes me paranoid driving without a blinker and what little exrta money i had will now have to go in my car..i mean i like my car and would hate for it to break down because im a dork and wont pay to get it fixed..and im thinking of the huge crack in my windshield i have to replace sometime soon and all the other little stuff i have to get worked on in my car and then think about my pathetically empty bankaccount and wonder where im going to get that money from...which brings me to finding a job and i dont really want to think about that right now ..but bills have to be paid regardless of a job or not ..so ill have to find one and ill have to put more effort into looking after christmas...some other relatives are coming tomorrow to stay with us and im nervous already..more so after the morning we had but still nervous and not wanting anyone else to be here because its hard enough with just mommy..had a headache all day..all i want to do is go to bed but them i walk in the door and mommy has things for me to help with...same as usual