hmm today i was having a chat with a friend and was asked what would happen if i stood up to mommy pretty much..and it wasnt that the question needed some huge explaination or anything and im not even sure i gave one but suddenly i just knew i had been asked that questions before..maybe not in the same exact words but more or less the same question..and more than once to and i couldnt answer it any of those times either...its really confusing because i already know mommy wouldnt dare throw me out or anything because i help to much..so what would happen then?? and why is it that i cant even think about the question without freaking out and shutting down...i cant figure out what it is about it that makes me so nervous and throws me off..and its probably the easiest thing to figure out in the world but ive blocked whatever it is out so well i cant find out anymore..i cant get past the surface stuff really and its harder trying to go any deeper when i have many other empty spots in my head already...just confuses me more...
mommy is out of town and so is dee and everyone..and im hanging out at her house for right now and i think im going to go to a movie later and out to run a few errands and stuff...mommy actually called me at 5:30 this morning for no other reason than to wake me up because i was supposed to be going to get my car worked on..i had already had my alarm set and everything and i wasnt supposed to be up that early but she called and scared the crap out of me and then i was just up..and now im getting tired again and its a pain..funny how she is out of town but still im stuck running all of her errands too...but still it will be a quiet few days at least until she gets back into town and then ill have to find a way to disappear...
hopefully i get a call about the job but if not ill have to try not to worry and just wait and see since it is new years weekend and ppl are just busy and stuff..and then the subsequent refusual to go to therapy may come up again in the next couple weeks with the job and all the unexplained scars..its really worrying me and i could almost forget about them and then something like this happens and i have to go have a check up and suddenly i have to explain or not explain why it is i have scars going every which way on my arms and legs...cant blame them on dusti if you are standing right in front of me and looking at them...yea dusti has scratched me before but come on give her some credit here..she would repeatedly claw my upper arms for any reason and anyone dumb enough to think so doesnt need to be a doctor...but mommy does like blaming dusti for some of the more visible ones :( and we both know she didnt do them...but i guess as long as im not bleeding to death while im at home my little problem isnt a problem...so i have to last a bit longer with no cutting...funny how once i know i cant do it for a serious reason i want to do it all the more..ugh..
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