sigh

and so everything is just kinda all happening right now ...

oh where to begin with whats going on today..tried hard to get things done this morning..woke up at 4..took out a bunch of trash..got the form filled out for the post office and i was quite happy i was able to do it online..took back the library books and went to my apartment office and told them i wasnt able to pay my rent but i was goin to be moving..i left out i was moving today and well they have to start the eviction stuff anyway since im not able to pay my rent...i knew it was coming but it sucks all the same because with everything going on something had to lapse in payment for right now and rent just happens to be what it is..i feel like a slacker for not being able to pay and now ill owe two months by the end and im trying not to worry but its not going so well...i mean ill have to take it as it comes right ? but i let them know i was moving and that was good at least..next time i will have to be more careful picking an apartment place..i didnt like this one much after the first few month and $100 bucks for a late charge is just crazy ... so that is all taken care of for now..still have to cancel the cable and figure out how to pay them what is owed..and now more than ever my paycheck just seems sooooooooooooo inadequate..blah but ill just have to see...and all i want to do is freak because i talked to mommy and of course they are only like four hours away..and i look at everything left to pack and get so overwhelmed and out of it..trying to figure out what i am able to do and what i cant do....trying to get together everything that will be left to donate it on saturday...


im picking my fingers apart horribly right now..all i keep thinking is make sure all the razors are hidden...ive been finding them all over the place!! its bad...i didnt even know or remember i guess that i was sticking them all over the place..i keep telling myself to check everywhere mommy may decide to look and to make sure my trunk is locked so she cant go in it..freaking out because everything isnt packed but what i want to go home is done..everything else is just on the floor and in my closet and things are juts all over the place..and ive been trying so hard to get things done..trying to remind myself to breathe and keep breathing..i just want to go and hide some where and just not even see mommy right now..my arms are covered in bug bites that ive scratched to death for various reasons and i know she will comment on them ..i know she will and i have to remind myself to not flip out and get to defensive...dont know though