its really a miserable day outside..i think im forgetting what the sun looks like i havent seen it in so long..geez normally im not big on saying the weather effects my mood but after 4 days of rain and greyness im not so sure...when i woke up this morning and it was raining i wasnt enjoying it much..but now its not raining but it is just gray and overcast and ick..oh well i know its supposed to be cold and all but its raining and it feels like its 70 degrees outside! getting a big headache...stuck doing laundry at this minute and when i got up this morning and started sorting the laundry it just really bothered me...not that i was doing it but that i was doing it without being asked because it needed to be done..i hate how easy it is to slip into mother mode and start cleaning or cooking dinner or doing laundry and not really realizing whats behind it..because im certainly not doing it because i want to! i hate cleaning and i do it without really thinking about it because thats what i know im supposed to do..i know if i left it till the last minute mommy may come home early or something and then there will be hell to pay for not doing it in the first place..shes out of town and yet i still think she can just pop up at any moment and start yelling about how lazy and stupid i am for not cleaning when i knew it had to be done..the day she comes home im sure ill be making sure everything is done and put away..sigh maybe when i get home ill lay down for a while..tired all of a sudden and i know i slept last night after a while..gotta find some old magazines so i can work on a collage tonight..it will keep me busy at least ! since i know it will take a little while to get a hold of all the pictures i want to use i can go to the store another day..besides just looking for pictures means i have to focus hard enough and these days it takes a lot to keep my focus on anything!
hmm i watched a video on youtube today about the secret thing and im not sure yet what i think about it..i want to just say it cant be that easy but part of me wonders..i mean no im not a pessimist or anything but im not always so positive about stuff and it would take more than just 20 mins of a video to change my mind about anything..but parts of it got my attention at least..ill have to look at it more and of course think about it for a good while before i can figure it out..maybe i should check out the book too since i work better when im reading something..
i finished my book this morning and the ending calmed my nerves more than the first part of it..i knew what i was getting into when i bought the book..well kinda..i guessed that i knew and well i was right but it still caught me off guard..it was a bad idea reading so much of it last night but then it was one of those books i couldnt just put down after i started..not withstanding that the topic of the entire book was the effects of sexual abuse on everyone involved and then even those not involved directly..it is interesting how ppl try to place the blame on the obvious ones but when that doesnt work they blame the kid and after that the closet friends are blamed because they should have picked up on it ..blah blah blah same old circle of accusations and disbelieve..no one wants to think about how often it happens but good grief ppl get away with hurting kids all the time and every one says they care and something should be done but what exactly are ppl doing to make it better? no im not saying im doing my part either..and i have very big reasons for not considering a job at dss working with kids and abuse cases because it scares me for one but more than that..i dont forgive easily at all and i dont think kids should be taken from parents who really hurt them on purpose or otherwise and then put back in the same house because the courts dont want to place the kid with another family..it doesnt take a genius to know that if it happens once it will happen again, i dont care how much help the person had..no it wouldnt be a good idea at all for me to work with that right now..i cant even keep myself from being suicidal anymore id rather not make it any worse...and the other thing that really pisses me off is that parents do all of these things to kids and get put in jail sometimes and then they are beat up and stuff in jail because somehow other inmates find out how everyone gets in and well ppl who abuse kids are way at the bottom of the list..-ok breathe-but then they do the stupidest thing ever by killing themselves without so much as an apology or the reasons behind what they did and i think that is a serious cop out...it really bothers me that they think thats the way to get out of taking responsibility for what they did and then the kid still suffers for various reasons..but in the book that i read though the mother counted her getting beat up in jail as pay back for what she did and let happen to her son..shocking i know but i also thought it was really stupid that any one would even think like that..its not about who gets hurt more because the after effects dont change..but ugh the whole thing just isnt fair in some huge way that i cant explain just yet..still have to live with all the thoughts and guilt and shame and whatever else has to be thrown into the mix..
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