tonight is one of those nights when i cant sleep because i have so much on my mind and no idea how to get rid of any of it..so in a last ditch effort to tire myself out i guess ill just try writing and see if i can make sense of any of it..
it really just hit me that tomorrow is the first day of dec..which means it has been almost of full year of being in the real world and im not really impressed with what i have seen..but still it has been a year that i have managed to do a lot of different things, its been fun, its been hard, its sucked royally..and i was freaking out at this time last year because of graduating and now im freaking out about moving...and somewhere in the mess in my head i realized im really really scared again..and im trying hard to pretend its not there and its not working to well because i do know its there and i can only get rid of it in ways that hurt and then it just keeps coming back...i keep thinking and rethinking the choice to move home and i keep coming to the same decisions...i have to be home but i dont want to be at home...its like i have to prepare myself to fall apart again so it wont be a surprise when it happens..i have to keep reminding myself that ive screwed things up again and didnt try hard enough...just so if i hear it then it wont hurt as much..maybe im not cut out for the real world..maybe i just get to scared and anxious about everything..maybe i dont try hard enough..all of it is left at juts being maybes..i dont want another job but i cant stay where i am..my days in my apartment are just ticking down and it scares me..what little freedom i had is slowly going away..and in two weeks it will be completely gone again..everything i have will be stuck in storage and what im keeping is just the barest stuff so that there is no chance of mommy reading anything of mine..guessing if she really got a hold of my journals it would be an eye opening experiance..and i dont want that..id rather keep her believing that im fine because its just better that way..and ill be home and be at her ever beck and call..i have to keep reminding myself to control my temper and not be so defensive because it just keeps getting me in trouble...its like im preparing to just disappear again .. im going away and its the hardest thing to explain..im not even sure that im thinking it...but i know its there all the same..and i know its happening and im not really trying to hard to stop it..i noticed im not really wanting to talk to anyone at all and im wasting more time than usual doing nothing..i dont know
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