go figure

now i cant sleep...an hour ago i was ready to go to bed with little problem..and now im not as tired anymore..watched the last half of a movie and did some stuff around the house and i guess it woke me up some...im still tired but ok..lol not a big deal at all and when im done with this ill prolly just watch ratatouille and fall asleep anyway..nia eventually asked if i wanted to go out with her and her bf and i said no because then i would have just been the tag along and it wouldnt have been a lot of fun for me because i would have just felt like i was in the way..and its been forever ince ive been around her friends and im not in a hang out mood..so im home alone and tonight its not sure a big deal and im enjoying the quietness..not like the other night at all..

still a couple ohurs till midnight and already the internet is just plastered with ads about losing weight and how to get the perfect body and what to do to lose weight and all this stuff and it makes me want to just scream..as if i dont have enough stuff to worry about i get suckered into reading all these articles i really dont care about at all and just click because i have alittle obsession with losing weight that comes and goes but for now its fairly present in my mind..and im not into big time obsessing just yet but i know its just hanging out on the edges of my mind...and im really trying not to start b/p'ing again..i keep telling myself itt hurts and its a waste..but for what its worth im slowly lowering what and how much im eating..because its pretty obviouus i havent been doing the best with keeping track of it..and i hate saying i didnt care but i really didnt..and saying i care now is pushing it..its more like i just need somewhere to focus my extra attention for a while...and im even making it reasonably managable and just making outrageous goals for the heck of it and watching as i fail ..as if i need something else to yell at myself about..the part of me that just hates eating and food and all that is having a field day right about now...and given today is new years eve i didnt eat as much as i thought i would and stuck fairly decently to what i had planned with some extra stuff thrown in..but not horrible and im not going to be a spazz and start writing down everything i eat here..i have a food journal..one of my older ones and im kinda attached to it..and i kinda like what i have in it..so i just started adding to it again..just have to keep track of it and make sure i dont leave it laying around anywhere..im sure someone else would not be pleased with whats in it..but whatever..its mine..and i say that until someone else sees it and then ill just be in a heck of a lot of trouble..but i got an email a couple weeks ago from a ed group i was in for a good while..and i had completely forgotten about both of those groups.but when i got the email i remembered all the girls i talked to and that i missed them and wondered how they were doing..and it took a couple weeks to get up the nerve to go and check the group out and its like holy cow ive missed the girls i knew..not really getting into the background of the group..i wonder why it is i went back..i didnt have to and i certainly took my time but i still went back..i keep thinking there is some reason behind but im reaally being careful to stay out of the ana/mia boards...i just check the more general stuff for now but still i was welcomed back all the same..and it was nice

hmmm that aside...new years resoultions..ive been thinking about if i should make some and of course i did lol..duh..tried to make them easier and more to the point i guess..no point in making them if im just doing it tosay i did..that would kinda be besides the point...so my resloutions are
- Work on my diet and develop a healthier lifestyle

- Set up a time line for getting back into therapy

- find an outdoors activity to do in free time (on weekends)

- Join a group to meet new people/ take a class on something that interests me

-to be happier

dont know yet how to even work on the last one but i figured i should add it in anyway..didnt really work out last year but maybe it will this time around..so now i can stop stressing about having new years resolutions..i wonder who even started that whole thing..

tomorrow is the first day of 08..i really wonder what the year will bring..i wonder what will happen..how ill handle things and i guess the big one is if ill be ok..i hope i will be..and i know the longer im at home the more managable it will get...but still the stress of being here is hard to deal with..it feels like ill never be able to be stable becuase of just everything..bouncing around from mood to mood..first thing of course and more important is finding a job so i can get out of the house..

oh well
guess im dont rambling